un.masked

NOTE: This was written and originally posted on fb on 03/07/2011

A few years back when I was in early recovery, I shared with my parents that I had put myself in out-patient treatment and that I was indeed an alcoholic. They looked at me stunned, and both my mother and step father said "your not an alcoholic" going on to add, "If your an alcoholic - than so-in-so must be one too" or (one of my faves) "I never saw you drink" (HA! I didn't want you too!)

And I didn't... I didn't want anyone to know that part of me. For years I had three sets of people that I interacted with; my close friends (church family) and family to whom I acted as if everything in my world was just fine and dandy. My work friends, and my drinking friends. The latter two sometimes, but only rarely crossed paths. I lived these separate lives, wearing a masks and pretending to be someone I was not in each and every situation. Constantly trying to make everyone and I do meaneveryone happy. After doing this for years, even before I started drinking; it was a never ending stage of killing myself to try make everyone around me happy. I can only sadly report that I am sure that never happened.

As a child of an alcoholic and abusive father, I put my first mask on at a very early age. I learned to hide behind it, to use the painted face to hide my pain, to try and protect me from any more than I was already enduring. I wore that masks to school; each and every one of the 11 schools I attended in 13 years. The mask changed a bit as I grew older; it became thicker and had walls that developed from it, holding it in place in front of me. Hiding the tears, and scars that were buried to the very core of my being.

I grew up knowing about God, and as a young girl of 11 accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. However, it was also as a young child that the abuse I endured was above and beyond... and eventually after nearly 5 years of intermittent, unexplainable abuse I was just plain angry at God for allowing me to be hurt in such a manner. By the time I was 19, I turned my back on Him, adjusted to a third mask and spent the next 13 years hiding behind it or one similar; all just to get through a day in the life of me.

It was then I too discovered alcohol, a mask still my faithful accessory. This one easier to wear; yet it too was just another way I was trying to make those around me happy; to be a part of - to feel included. And sometimes to hide. I so longed for the ability to not feel like I was always on the outside looking in. Yet, I was. I would still look in the mirror and wish I was different; that I was prettier, smarter, more like someone else... whomever they may be. Or, often to just become invisible, to melt away into the world around me. I was never OK with who I was, and frankly because of the mask(s) I'm not sure I knew who that was anyways.

God removed the biggest of those masks from me one day nearly 14 years ago. In doing so He opened my eyes to two things: 1- He had never left my side, even when I had turned my back and tried to leave Him and 2-He loved me for exactly who I was... even if I didn't. You see, I was witness to, actually a big part of a modern day miracle. (Ask me about it sometime, as it is another story - but shows of His great love and protection.)  I still had those masks though and it took be a long time to be able to, not just put them away; but discard them completely. In fact it was about the time I entered treatment a little over 7 years ago that I was finally able to do it, and that too was over a period of time.

Once you remove the mask(s) and get OK with you, wonderful things start to happen. Too often though, because you have the history that you do (that I did) you find those good things hard to except and ofter sabotage yourself because you believe you are undeserving. Good things just don't happen to you, only hurt, pain and sadness. You really believe that you don't deserve different, especially if different is better. You don't understand or believe the fact that God made you just as you are - fearfully and wonderfully made. That you are His child whom He loves so very much and only wants good things for; great things!

I still have moments where I seemingly appear to be shifting through imaginary boxes and come across one of those old masks, as soon as I innocently put in on, those old recordings immediately start to play, and just for the moment (and if your not careful a lot of moments) you forget who God has helped you become and you fall back into the pit once again. You get scared, yet the mask is oddly comfortable, like a favorite old shoe. But this shoe has a big hole in the sole and there is a storm raging outside. Then you hear a wee small voice reminding you, of who you are and where you are going. More importantly where you have come from.

God truly does want the best of the best for us all. We are His children, unique and special - fearfully and wonderfully made; each and everyone of us. We need to learn to appreciate that fact, to embrace who we are and be happy with the reflection we see in the mirror. To be OK with who God has created us to be, an original, created in His image. We should live each day thinking the following:

I am confident with who I am. I do not need to pretend to be something I am not. God created me exactly as I am, with my own special gifts and talents. There is no other like me and I am like no other. He has plans for me to do great things, if I only have faith and believe.