Breaking the Cycle - Out of the Darkness into His Light

I was talking with my oldest daughter this evening, she was writing a paper about drugs and alcohol and the behaviors that are often acted upon or associated with in such situations. She asked me a few questions about my own past, my abusive childhood, including the circumstances that most certainly led up to my own battle with addiction. I have to smile because as she would ask me a question, she would immediately say she was sorry and that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to, if it was too hard. I told her it was OK, that it didn't bother me any more, to talk about it that is. In fact I want to talk about it, whenever someone asks, because if I can tell my story and help someone, even just one person, then I have done the right thing. 

In recent years as I have watched my oldest children continue to move forward in their lives, and doing so in a good and positive manner. I am pleased to see them excelling at school, activities, and at life itself, I am blessed to know that with God, change has finally occurred. The cycle has been broken. Even before I trusted my daily life to God, the one thing I always told myself is that I would not raise my children in the manner in which I was raised, that I would give them different, and hopefully better. I am here to tell you that until I asked for God's daily guidance I was not doing a very good job of what I professed my parenting goal to be. But I can also tell you that I tried.

I understand now that it is hard to give better, when you don't believe you deserve better. My self worth was in the toilet and as I continued bad habits and a sometimes harmful lifestyle I was doing nothing but running around in circles; occasionally falling on my butt and at the worst of times into the darkness of some proverbial pit. I kept replaying the same old scenario over and over again like a broken record.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I lived in such insanity, you could even say I was it's queen. 

During all that craziness, I remembered God, but I had never understood that I could depend on Him, ask Him for help, guidance, comfort, any of that. The God I thought I knew let horrific things happen to me, He couldn't possibly care about me if He had allowed my life to have been what it was to that point. I would eventually learn and understand that He was there through it all, protecting me from much worse. He kept me alive, even though I thought I could never amount to anything, He had bigger plans for me. I often state when I share my testimony; my story, that I should have been dead on more than one occasion because of my reckless actions and behavior. Yet, here I am, alive and well and raising a family, on my own but with a strength I could not have ever imagined myself having. God is pretty awesome that way. Here I was, this angry, bitter woman, a single mom, who He still wanted to use for something bigger than myself.

My three oldest children were 5, 7 and 8 when I discovered I was pregnant with my youngest child. I cried, sat there in the doctors office and wept. I had no clue what I was going to do, I was barely able to raise the three children I had, how on earth was I going to raise four! This pregnancy had occurred due to what would be my last drinking binge, 4 days of "partying" that included a one night stand. I knew abortion was not an option for me, but I was so unsure. So I contemplated adoption, He had other plans. I started having some complications and ended up having to cut back at work which gave me more time at home, more time to think, and listen to the wee small voice of God.

As those of you who know me know, I have four beautiful children and can't imagine my life, our lives without my youngest daughter. It was still rough, but by this time God and I were finally on better terms and I started looking to Him more and more. Even though I wasn't actively drinking,I was a mess and what people in 12-Step circles call a "dry drunk". I was miserable and made everyone around me the same. I was still in nursing, and earned a supervisor position on the graveyard shift. My disrupted sleep pattern didn't help my mental state and I lived in a very dark place for a long time. I severely injured my back and fell into a deeper depression. God still had better plans for me.

On Jan 10, 2004 I walked into my first AA meeting, spoke those ever faithful words, "Hi, my name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic". That truly was the first day of the rest of my life. On that night, finally, my life started to change. I did more than the 90 meetings in 90 days that is recommended as I became intoxicated over how I felt when I was in those rooms. I finally found a place where I fit in, where I wasn't the outcast; somewhere I actually belonged. A place I could just be myself, no masks, no make believe. It's hard for me to remember if it was before or just after my 90 day mark, but I knew I needed more than what the meetings were doing for me, so I looked into treatment. I knew I couldn't bare the thought of being away from my kids for 30 days, let alone who would have cared for them. So I enrolled in an Out-Patient program that would end up lasting 15 months. It was through treatment and a counselor I almost asked to be replaced that I started healing. It was through treatment that I realized how much I needed God, wanted God and when I started making room for Him in my daily life.

It was also in those last couple months of treatment that God led me to my church family. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly express what so many of these people really mean to me. From the moment I walked in to their church with my four kids, they showed unconditional love. Through trials they supported and encouraged, and just loved me. Something I was not at all accustomed to. They invited me in, to be a part of something different, something bigger than anything I had ever been a part of before. They celebrated with me, cried with me and helped me to continue raising my children, always showing such Christ-like love and understanding. They gave me a place to fit in, to be involved. Today my family's schedule often revolves around activities at our church. 

All of my children have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that is truly one of the biggest accomplishments I want know as their parent. That I led them to Him, that I taught them, with the help of others, through God Himself; the seeds were not only planted but fed and watered and encouraged to grow. One of my most favorite things is when we are all in the van together and listening to Christian radio and we can all sing, I mean really SING together, just praising our Lord with song. Sometimes when we are in church it gives me goose bumps and often causes tears to swell up in my eyes, as I hear their voices really speaking the words that they know to be true. To see His light in each of my children by their actions and deeds, is another wonderful blessing.

So yes, the cycle has been broken. The pain is over, it has ended, it is finished. It is all of those things and more, because He took it from me, He bore my pain; both self-inflicted and not. He bore it all on the cross, all those years ago. And then He died and rose again that we might know peace, the kind of peace we will only find in eternity with Him. I used to read Job a lot, as I struggled and felt like God kept throwing all the crappy stuff my way. And I hope like Job, that even through the trials, even through the things that make me ask "What are you trying to teach me now Lord" that I never again loose faith. That I trust, that I believe just as it says in His word, "I can do all things".

Job 42:2  I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Narrow Path

I wrote this a few years ago, I was really struggling but I wanted God to know that I wasn't going to give up. I would trust, I would have faith. Because it was by this time He had really shown me what a loving and caring God He truly was. I couldn't go back to any of my old ways of being or thinking for that matter.

It sat in a notebook for a very long time and then somewhere along the way, it evolved from a poem to a song that I would just lift up to Him at times of trial and misunderstanding. I needed Him to hear my heart, so I gave Him this psalm, my gift of faith and trust to Him.

Two or three years ago, with the help of a very talented young woman, it finally had music to go with it. I still remember the first time she played the accompaniment, I was shocked, in utter disbelief! Even though I never knew what the music was supposed to sound like, when she played it; I knew it was what the music was supposed to sound like. It was perfect! We soon shared it one morning at church and it was such a wonderful feeling to lift praises to Him and share it with other believers, especially my very own church family.

Tonight, as the election winds to an end, and after seeing what seems to be inevitable - reading so many post on facebook about how its all over and we are basically (pardon me) screwed... I just felt a sense of sadness. A quiet sadness that I used to get and is a lot of what stirred me to write this poem, this psalm.

For those of us who are God fearing - know the end of the story, Christians; what's wrong with us?
Myself included, I can get caught up in all the ugly the next four years most likely will hold, but I would rather get caught up in what comes after that, or during it for that matter. I would rather set might eyes on what His Word tells me to be true, He knows the end of the story. He knew the outcome of this story before a single vote was cast. Remember, it is HIStory. He holds it all in His mighty hands. He holds us all in those same mighty, yet loving hands. I have faith and trust in that. I will praise Him for that, until He takes me home.



I will praise You in the morning,
As the sun reaches across the sky.
I will praise You in the evening,
As the stars fill that same sky.
I will praise You - down on my knees.
I will praise You standing tall.
You are King of Kings,
You are Lord of Lords,
You are Jesus, my One in All.

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made for me.

I will praise You in my sorrow time,
When darkness closes in.
I will praise You when I'm happy Lord,
Yes I will praise You with this song that I sing.
I will praise You till the end of time.
Yes, I will praise until eternity.
You are King of Kings,
You are Lord of Lords,
Here I am, have all of me.

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made for me.

The road may be long,
The path makes me weary,
But still I will stay.
Though I seem alone,
I know You are with me,
You are guiding my way

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made, for me.

16 Candles

The above title is oddly deceiving, because it actually represents what has not been seen. 

16 birthday cakes (times 3) 16 jack-o-lanterns (give or take) 16 Christmas trees. 
16 New Years Eves, staying up just late enough to utter those infamous words and bring in another new year that doesn't include you. More than 16 dozen valentines for a house filled with 3 little broken hearts. 
16 Easters and the only thing holding be together is that it didn't take God 16 days to raise His Son from the grave. 16 last days of school, followed by 16 summers of not camping because it hurts too much to be in that environment without you. 16 Fourth of Julys that I push myself through for my kids, because its still exciting and fun for them. It only reminds me of times with you that are no more, causing much more than 16 minutes of tears.

Now lets look at the smaller numbers.
3 talented athletes, with numerous achievements
3 talented musicians, again more accolades
1 Graduation, another on the horizon. And yet another to follow close behind.
1 Wedding, where you should have been the one at her side. 

And for nearly the first time in 16 years, I am angry at you. Truly angry, because your absence has caused so much silent anger and pain. So much turmoil, regret. Tonight I am once again reminded of 16 years of choices I have been  forced to make on my own, with more than 16 bad choices being made, I'm sure.  16 years of wondering why?

16,000 times I cried myself to sleep because I missed you so much my heart didn't just ache, it felt like it was closing in on itself and I could barley breathe. 16,000 times I wanted everything to just stop, all the noise, the pain, everything. 
16,001 times I found the strength to keep going, to move forward and live my life for and with my children. 16,001 times God remind me He is my husband, my lover and the Father of my children. 16,001 times I felt a sense of comfort I know is only found through Him and His Spirit being a part of me.

Im done counting candles for you, and I can't even stay angry for too long. All this - all 16 years of this, is a part of God's plan for me; already written and He knows where he is leading me, where He needs me to be, and He will take me there step by step. 

I have trust and faith in that.

Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me, were written in your book, before one of them came to be.

I Know Your Face

It has been months, seems like forever really since I have written. Every time I thought about it, had the desire to write, I was pulled away by someone or something; weather it be the kids, work, or my own sheer laziness - I just didn't allow myself to sit down and write. I did not allow myself opportunity to let the words escape from my brain and fall onto the keyboard and be transformed into the thoughts you now read on this page. Allowing for there to be a build-up of clutter and wandering thoughts with in the walls of my mind. There has been so much to write about these past few months and God has taught me some big and valuable lessons this summer - in fact He still is; and it is the most current of lessons that leads me to write tonight. 


We often say we know someone, know who they really are. But do we? Just what is it that we think we really know? Is anyone truly capable of knowing someone the way I believe only God does know us? As parents we hope we know our children, I hope and think that I do; but do I? Do I know what I want to know or see? Or do I merely know what they want me to know or see? What do their friends see when they look at them? What do their parents see when they watch, as they make choices both good and bad in their lives? What do they see in us? Especially when the choices are more on the bad side of things. The kind of choices that bring pain and suffering to those around them. Do they see a good kid making a bad choice? Or do they see a bad kid? How do they see us as parents? Do they think we didn't try hard enough, lacked authority, or just lost control? Or worse yet, just don't care? What do they see? Do they think they know us?


As I have shared many times before, I grew up in a very dysfunctional household and when all hell broke loose and everything hit the fan - I often wondered what people really thought? What did they say within the walls of their homes, behind the closed front door. Did they talk about thinking they knew me? Or my family for that matter? Did they try to solve the destruction that had become our lives? I doubt it, and from what my own mind allows me to recall, not too many people said much of anything. There were instead the occasional whispers, but most often there was a lack of eye contact; if people thought they knew me, they certainly didn't act like they wanted to know me.


I know what your going through. Or better yet, I know how you feel. These are great sentiments, but often they are said by someone who doesn't have a clue, who couldn't possibly know you, or your situation. I don't know how many times people in my life have said something similar to one of these phrases. My own mother said to me once when our wounds were still so very fresh; she said "We are all hurting, you need to remember that you are not the only one who is hurting here" (this is of coarse to the best of my memory) 
This made me so very angry and for one of the very few times as a teen, I yelled at my mother. " I know we are all hurting, but no one is hurting the way that I am hurting, no one knows what it feels like to be me." She didn't know me then and sadly she still doesn't today. I would learn years later, that she actually did know my pain, which made it all the harder to understand why she didn't know what I needed to feel better, to feel even a little bit whole after all I had been through.

Often when people don't know you, it is because you don't know yourself. And when you struggle to know you, you make it harder for them to see the you whom you really are. Some of us, then turn to anything and everything to try and find what were are looking for. To be able to look in the mirror and like what we see; to look in the mirror and be able to say  "I know you. I know your face" It is in the moments that we can do that, to recognize ourselves that others will recognize us too. That will allow them to see past the "I'm fine" and to instead ask what they can pray about for us, pray with us for that matter. My own children proved that they have learned this themselves, that they indeed know me, their mother.
Recently I had had an off day, an old ghost was heavy in my thoughts and I just couldn't shake it. I tried to put on face, to be OK, to do what needed to be done. (It was a happy time for crying out loud, I didn't need to be feeling sorry for myself) Within an hour of each other, with next to no interaction with me or each other - two of my kids asked me if I was OK. Weather it was my face or my body language that had betrayed me, they knew. They knew something was wrong, because they knew me, they knew my face.


I just heard the phrase "I know your face" tonight. I was having a good conversation with a dear friend and she mentioned it towards the end of our evening. She shared a moment from the movie it was from and we both agreed it means so much more than the obvious, its not just about knowing someones "face" per-say, but knowing them, about knowing their soul, truly knowing their inner most being. It's about knowing when something is wrong with that certain someone. And then its about understanding what your supposed to do about it. Prayers for wisdom to know such answers never come in the time or fashion we would hope for. But instead are hidden in the linings of conversations, packed away in a lost box that is not meant to be found until; well until its meant to be found. God is kind of funny that way. 
He knows our face, and each and every hair on our head.  


Jeremiah 1:5a  Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,


Psalm 139:13-14  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well.


He knows your face, He knows your inner most being, the depths of your very soul. Will you allow Him to not only know you, but to teach you to know you too?