I was talking with my oldest daughter this evening, she was writing a paper about drugs and alcohol and the behaviors that are often acted upon or associated with in such situations. She asked me a few questions about my own past, my abusive childhood, including the circumstances that most certainly led up to my own battle with addiction. I have to smile because as she would ask me a question, she would immediately say she was sorry and that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to, if it was too hard. I told her it was OK, that it didn't bother me any more, to talk about it that is. In fact I want to talk about it, whenever someone asks, because if I can tell my story and help someone, even just one person, then I have done the right thing.
In recent years as I have watched my oldest children continue to move forward in their lives, and doing so in a good and positive manner. I am pleased to see them excelling at school, activities, and at life itself, I am blessed to know that with God, change has finally occurred. The cycle has been broken. Even before I trusted my daily life to God, the one thing I always told myself is that I would not raise my children in the manner in which I was raised, that I would give them different, and hopefully better. I am here to tell you that until I asked for God's daily guidance I was not doing a very good job of what I professed my parenting goal to be. But I can also tell you that I tried.
I understand now that it is hard to give better, when you don't believe you deserve better. My self worth was in the toilet and as I continued bad habits and a sometimes harmful lifestyle I was doing nothing but running around in circles; occasionally falling on my butt and at the worst of times into the darkness of some proverbial pit. I kept replaying the same old scenario over and over again like a broken record. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I lived in such insanity, you could even say I was it's queen.
During all that craziness, I remembered God, but I had never understood that I could depend on Him, ask Him for help, guidance, comfort, any of that. The God I thought I knew let horrific things happen to me, He couldn't possibly care about me if He had allowed my life to have been what it was to that point. I would eventually learn and understand that He was there through it all, protecting me from much worse. He kept me alive, even though I thought I could never amount to anything, He had bigger plans for me. I often state when I share my testimony; my story, that I should have been dead on more than one occasion because of my reckless actions and behavior. Yet, here I am, alive and well and raising a family, on my own but with a strength I could not have ever imagined myself having. God is pretty awesome that way. Here I was, this angry, bitter woman, a single mom, who He still wanted to use for something bigger than myself.
My three oldest children were 5, 7 and 8 when I discovered I was pregnant with my youngest child. I cried, sat there in the doctors office and wept. I had no clue what I was going to do, I was barely able to raise the three children I had, how on earth was I going to raise four! This pregnancy had occurred due to what would be my last drinking binge, 4 days of "partying" that included a one night stand. I knew abortion was not an option for me, but I was so unsure. So I contemplated adoption, He had other plans. I started having some complications and ended up having to cut back at work which gave me more time at home, more time to think, and listen to the wee small voice of God.
As those of you who know me know, I have four beautiful children and can't imagine my life, our lives without my youngest daughter. It was still rough, but by this time God and I were finally on better terms and I started looking to Him more and more. Even though I wasn't actively drinking,I was a mess and what people in 12-Step circles call a "dry drunk". I was miserable and made everyone around me the same. I was still in nursing, and earned a supervisor position on the graveyard shift. My disrupted sleep pattern didn't help my mental state and I lived in a very dark place for a long time. I severely injured my back and fell into a deeper depression. God still had better plans for me.
On Jan 10, 2004 I walked into my first AA meeting, spoke those ever faithful words, "Hi, my name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic". That truly was the first day of the rest of my life. On that night, finally, my life started to change. I did more than the 90 meetings in 90 days that is recommended as I became intoxicated over how I felt when I was in those rooms. I finally found a place where I fit in, where I wasn't the outcast; somewhere I actually belonged. A place I could just be myself, no masks, no make believe. It's hard for me to remember if it was before or just after my 90 day mark, but I knew I needed more than what the meetings were doing for me, so I looked into treatment. I knew I couldn't bare the thought of being away from my kids for 30 days, let alone who would have cared for them. So I enrolled in an Out-Patient program that would end up lasting 15 months. It was through treatment and a counselor I almost asked to be replaced that I started healing. It was through treatment that I realized how much I needed God, wanted God and when I started making room for Him in my daily life.
It was also in those last couple months of treatment that God led me to my church family. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly express what so many of these people really mean to me. From the moment I walked in to their church with my four kids, they showed unconditional love. Through trials they supported and encouraged, and just loved me. Something I was not at all accustomed to. They invited me in, to be a part of something different, something bigger than anything I had ever been a part of before. They celebrated with me, cried with me and helped me to continue raising my children, always showing such Christ-like love and understanding. They gave me a place to fit in, to be involved. Today my family's schedule often revolves around activities at our church.
All of my children have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that is truly one of the biggest accomplishments I want know as their parent. That I led them to Him, that I taught them, with the help of others, through God Himself; the seeds were not only planted but fed and watered and encouraged to grow. One of my most favorite things is when we are all in the van together and listening to Christian radio and we can all sing, I mean really SING together, just praising our Lord with song. Sometimes when we are in church it gives me goose bumps and often causes tears to swell up in my eyes, as I hear their voices really speaking the words that they know to be true. To see His light in each of my children by their actions and deeds, is another wonderful blessing.
So yes, the cycle has been broken. The pain is over, it has ended, it is finished. It is all of those things and more, because He took it from me, He bore my pain; both self-inflicted and not. He bore it all on the cross, all those years ago. And then He died and rose again that we might know peace, the kind of peace we will only find in eternity with Him. I used to read Job a lot, as I struggled and felt like God kept throwing all the crappy stuff my way. And I hope like Job, that even through the trials, even through the things that make me ask "What are you trying to teach me now Lord" that I never again loose faith. That I trust, that I believe just as it says in His word, "I can do all things".
Job 42:2 I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
