I Love You regardless...

I LOVE YOU regardless of how well you are performing.  Sometimes you feel uneasy, wondering if you are doing enough to be worthy of My Love.  No matter how exemplary your behavior, the answer to that question will always be no.  your performance and My Love are totally different issues, which you need to sort out. I love you with an everlasting Love that flows out from eternity without limits or conditions.  I have clothed you in My robe of righteousness, and this is an eternal transaction:  Nothing and no one can reverse it.  Therefore,  your accomplishment as a Christian  has no bearing on My Love for you.  Even your ability to assess how well you are doing on a given day is flawed.  Your limited human perspective and the condition of your body, with its mercurial variations, distort your evaluations.

Bring your performance anxiety to Me, and receive in its place My unfailing Love.  Try to stay conscious of My loving Presence with you in all that you do, and I will direct your steps. ~ Jesus Calling

What a wonderful thought, knowing that God loves us no matter what. I taught my children that as well as my SS students. God does love us no matter what we do. We may do something that disappoints Him, but he never stops loving us. He gives us the tools to do what is right, to be good and kind and is most pleased when we do those things out of habit and character and not obligation. He is most pleased we we do something that could be considered "good" or "righteous" without boasting, or looking for acknowledgment. He wants us to do those things, on a daily basis even. He just wants us to do them without thinking about a reward of some sort. If we are doing things out of love and genuine kindness on a daily basis, when we do those things with Him in mind, we shine as an extension of His light. The word says we are made in His likeness, we are clothed in His righteousness. So, if we call ourselves a Christian, a Child of God and we behave in a certain way that is not what would be Christ-like, then what are we showing the world.

I was teaching my SS class just this past Sunday, I teach 1st-3rd graders and we were talking about how we are treat others. I told them about the bracelets my own kids used to wear WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) as well as many adults. I explained  what the letters meant and although they thought it was a pretty neat idea, they had never seen one. Perhaps, we need to dig through our closets and drawers and see if we still have one or two lying around. Im sure they would be easy enough to make/sell again. What would your day look like if you wore a WWJD bracelet for just a week, and when those tough moments came along, you stopped and thought about that question... WWJD?

As I sit here on the morning after his death, awaiting his resurrection on Easter morning, I am very soberly reminded of what He did, for you, me, the entire world. His death on the cross isn't easy to understand or envision. But with His great sacrifice of self, we have been saved from so much despair and ugliness that will come with living a life without know Him as our Savior, with dying and not having declared His as the Savior of our heart. It's never to late to pick up our lives and change, to do what;s right, to be like Jesus. To simply ask for forgiveness... Look at the thief on the cross, he was dying. Dying, and yet he spoke to our Savior and asked to be forgiven. And in one of the last things He would do before His death, Jesus forgave this man, this common thief and promised to him that he would live in the paradise that Jesus Himself was going to. How amazing is that? I have had an odd sort of connection to that part of the story for years now, as one Easter I played that thief's sister in a drama that was performed at the church I was attending. It has been years, but one of the lines was something like: "He forgave him and told him he would live in paradise with Him, my brother has been saved." It just opened a very pivotal part of the story that a lot of people may not be aware of. We know the basics (which are great) He was murdered, buried and rose back to life. But the moments like these with this common thief, or Joseph, friend of Nicodemus asking for His Lord's body, so that he could give Him a proper burial. As most well know, Nicodemus, as well as Joseph had not known Jesus as Savior for very long, yet He had impacted their lives and they were in significant pain while they mourned.

What joy and happiness, as well as triumph must have been experienced by the disciples and friends of our Lord upon learning of His resurrection! I'm sure the words of the Bible don't really hold justice to the emotions that must have spilled out from them that day. Imagine getting a few more moments with someone you love, what would you do? What would you say? Those men and women had 40 days, to listen and soak up all that Jesus had to share with them, to teach them about His Father and what they were meant to do after he left. Building the early churches, speaking to others about actually having know Christ, to call him friend. I realize we too, can call Jesus friend. Oh, but to be a disciple, or Mary or Martha, or some of the other few people who were directly involved with Him when He walked this earth... those are the people I want to sit with in Heaven and talk to and ask them hundreds of questions. As I type this, I chuckle to myself because I have heard a time or two, that we can have all these questions we want to ask when we arrive in Heaven, people we may want to talk to, loved ones we will be oh so excited to see. Yet, the glory of it all, the true majesty that Heaven will be... we will forget, those things won't even matter. We will simply be able to begin our life of eternity with the Living God whom we have faithfully served while walking the earth.

So I leave you with this simple prayer:

Lord, we thank you so much for loving us unconditionally, for covering us with your light and love, allowing us to shine for all to see. May your goodness, kindness and righteous be seen in us by all those around us. And as we walk through each day, tempted and given tough choices to make, may we turn to you for guidance, may we take that half a second to think... WWJD? Thank you for being the ultimate gift and sacrificing yourself by dying on the cross. Thank you Lord for rising again so that we can serve you as our living God.  Amen

1 Peter 5:7-8a

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind.

Oh, how I needed these words this week. After having a really awesome and #empowered first week I got attacked by the enemy and boy did he knocked me for a loop. I had fully intended joining the blog hop this week in celebration of what week one had been for me. Then Monday’s attack came and I was in for a spiritual fight as I let old demons control my thoughts.

I have been a single mom for nearly 18 years and have known the Lord since I was a small child, but it wasn’t until just over a decade ago I truly dedicated my life to having a relationship with Him. This verse is one I have turned to many times.

“Cast your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” and believe me, being a single mom of 4 children is something that can cause a lot of anxiety! Once I learned to give Him those anxious moments, the worries that consumed me, then my days were better. Not always perfect, but at least I got through them, one day; often one moment at a time. In those early years I learned to stop, even if it was in the middle of the day, wherever I may have been and call out to Him in prayer, asking for His guidance, love, grace, and sometimes protection. So once again, that’s what I did Monday night, I prayed, I asked you to pray with me. I needed my spirit calmed so I could process the information I had been given, try to rest, to sleep even. And I did, I give full credit of that fact to our loving God and I am thankful for this new community of women who are most certainly like myself - prayer warriors; fighting similar battles, as well as celebrating triumphs too.

“Be alert” This makes me chuckle just a bit, when I was in high school there was this guy who would always say, “be a lert, the world needs more lerts” J So the word in itself generally brings a smile to my face. But, in all seriousness it is sometimes really difficult to be alert to Him and His calling for me. I often find myself straining to hear His wee small voice, trying to ensure I am living each day according to His will for me. I am often asking Him to guide me along the path He needs me to travel, to take me where I can be best used for His glory. I do the same for my children; I pray that He will speak to them and that they will hear Him and respond accordingly, with full alertness to His Presence in their lives. It’s not always easy to do, at least not for me; my humanness gets the best of me. I fall into old habits and patterns or just get stuck, unable to move forward into His light. I felt that way this past week, I felt disconnected, certainly not alert to what I know He was trying to say to me.

“of sober mind” This phrase has duel meaning for me. As a recovering alcoholic I have learned that you can “not drink” thus being sober; however you can still have the mind of a drunk and for years I most certainly did. Today, having a sober mind means keeping it as clear as I can from the clutter of this world. Free from the chaos around me and most certainly form the lies of the enemy. It means being able to have a clear connection to the Holy Spirit. Monday I got disconnected and stayed that way for the rest of the week. Running circles in my mind, going nowhere except deeper into the pit of worry and fear. Those old demons were laughing and dancing around me. I read through my chapters Thursday night, not noting anything at the time. I just needed to let the words soak in. Today I have gone back to them and their words were able to truly speak to me. 

So as I restart this journey of not craving the foods that make me feel like crud, and craving the God who has healed me once before, I look to Him for wisdom and directing; also asking Him to teach me self control. I realize, perhaps remember is a better word, that God doesn't expect us to get it the first time and He doesn't get angry if we ask for His help a second, third or even forth time, He is happy that we are asking, because if we are asking then we are taking the time to be connected to him, staying sober and alert to His direction for us. 

We all have a past, a list of things that could define us, but God graciously made that list His own when He sent His Son to die for us. We are forgiven, we are set-free, we are accepted, we are holy, we are made new, we are loved, we are close to Him, we are confident, we are victorious; we are healed of all the damage that has been a part of our lives, including that which is self inflicted. So may we not only by our actions but by our hearts, position ourselves to Him. Allow ourselves to come to Him, even if we feel broken, because He created us in His image and even broken, we are beautiful to Him.

So... though I did not start this week #determined I will most certainly end it in that manner. #Determined to take this new found revelation of my needing to be accountable to myself and doing just that, becoming accountable to me. This will be huge, because when I eat, I feel bad, then I'm depressed and then I sit and I don't do anything and my house goes to pot... very quickly I might add. When I'm in a better place, feeling healthy and actually have energy, things get done. My house is cluttered, but clean. I am #determined to stay alert to Him this coming week, keeping my mind and my heart open to craving our glorious God.

Hello My Name Is...

 Such a simple sentence but on one particular night, it became a powerful stepping stone towards me regaining my life. 

"My name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic" 

I still remember the first time I said it, how terrified I was to utter those words, to admit to such a fault, but I also remember the sudden and overwhelming relief I felt, my secret was no longer my own. Still a secret of sorts, held inside the anonymity of the four walls I sat within; but I no longer had to deal with it on my own. By stepping through that door, I surrounded myself with people who were like me and for the first time in years, I didn't feel different. I was part of something, I felt included.

I dove in head first, experiencing a new sort of high, my new addiction was my sobriety. They recommend 90 meetings in 90 days when you are in early recovery, and thanks to an almost daily noon meeting, 3 evening meetings every week and taking advantage of technology I attended numerous online meetings as well, thus achieving far more than 90 meetings those first 90 days. I couldn't get enough, surrounding myself with "like" people, people who understood my pain, had experienced it too. It felt good, and after fighting depression for decades I wanted to feel better and hopefully stay that way. It was within those walls, surrounded by new friends who spoke regularly about their own "higher power" I remembered who my higher power was and I took Him off the shelf.

Sometimes when people who know God become angry and walk away from Him, they don't really leave Him. They actually just set Him aside, perhaps putting Him away in a proverbial "box" and placing it on a shelf. A shelf that they can have easy access to, when they feel desperate enough to call out to Him. Then when they are knee deep in trouble of their own doing, they call out to Him, begging Him to fix it; to get them out of the mess that they have gotten themselves into. I did it, I would be in way over my head and tearfully promise to not make that particular mistake again. So with me begging and pleading, He would answer my half-felt prayer and I would soon make that same mistake again.  

It was in those rooms, surrounded by different likenesses of me, I realized that God had stayed with me, even though I had been running from Him. That He not only answered my prayers, but quiet often saved me from the worst things imaginable. It was in those rooms, that I realized I needed God more than ever. And in finding God again, I also knew I needed more. So treatment became the next step I needed to take, but as a single-mom and the sole caregiver to my young children I couldn't bare being separated from them for 30 days, let alone the fact there was no one to take care of them. So I attended Out-Patient Treatment, treatment that took me 15 months to complete. Treatment with a counselor I was going to "trade-in" on day one. I was even a little bit angry at God for placing this person in my life, asking why? Today I am so very thankful for a man named Chuck, and how he helped me to get where I needed to be; sober and healthy and whole again. And for giving me the tools of how to stay that way. Then about 18 months into my sobriety, I found my church family, surrounding myself with more people to help me on my path to healing.

That was ten years ago, a full decade has passed. I have grown and learned how to be a better person. I surrounded myself with people who love the Lord, who encouraged and supported me, I have been able to build a much better life for myself and my children. One filled with happiness, laughter and love. It was tough, and I had my moments where I wanted to throw in the towel, better yet sit my butt on a bar stool and grab a drink or two, (or twenty). But I didn't, because I had a new foundation to stand on, or when need be, to fall back on. One that was God-centered and I knew if I just gave it to Him, whatever the problem was, things would be OK. Maybe not right away, God's timing being what it is sometimes; but my sobriety through God gave me a sense of calm that I still can't really explain. I can merely trust that He has it. I also have faith in what His Word tells me; that He has already written my story, every word, every sentence, all before I took my very first breath. He knows the ending, and if I trust in what He has done by giving us His son to die for our sins, my sins; then there is only one ending that matters, Eternity with Him. 

Over the years people have asked me how I do it, especially in the early years when all the kids were still so small. Time and again they would say "I don't know how you do it" I would just smile and either look up or point to the heavens, always giving God the credit. I did not do it on my own and I truly could not have survived without Him. To this day, I know that God took care of us and that He still does. We have never gone without anything we need; a roof over our heads, heat in the winter, AC in the summer, food to eat and clothes on our backs. I always had some sort of transportation, He truly is the great provider, He cares for us all. 

So now, as I celebrate this milestone I just want to take a moment to thank the people who helped me to get here.To those people who encouraged me, supported me and helped me to see a different person. A person who was bigger and better than her past. To look in the mirror and love the person that I see. Without you all, I would still be lost and alone. I wanted to try and list all your names, but I didn't want to overlook anyone. I know you know who you are, and how much you mean to me. It is through many of you that I have learned the true meaning of unconditional love, that family is more than blood or a name. God brought each and every one of you into my life, just when I needed you the most. 

Lastly, I want to thank my children for not giving up on a mom who was all sorts of crazy at times. For forgiving my mistakes and learning with me on how to become a healthy family, on how to love and forgive. How to laugh with one another and cry if need to. To be there, no matter what. I am so proud of all of you, and to see you achieve in your lives, to do things I only dreamed of - to see you have those moments, makes my heart soar with love, happiness and pride. Once upon a time, when my disease had the best of me, I thought I was a bad mom. But once I started getting healthy, only through my sobriety did I realized that I am a good mom. God entrusted me with all four of you - amazing kids who allowed me to be a mom, your mom. My greatest accomplishment in life next to getting sober, is to be your mother. Nothing else I do will ever come close. I love you bunches!