I say a prayer at 11:11

As I start this piece, it is just past midnight, an hour past 11:11 and the moment to make that ever faithful wish. I have perhaps at times, openly teased my daughters as they would say “Quick! It’s 11:11, make a wish” while quietly in my own mind, I would be making one too. Then somewhere along the way, I  remembered the Cheryl Wright song “Unknown” so I started bowing my head and saying a quick and silent prayer. I pray often, I talk to God often;  doing so out-loud as if He were sitting right next to me, then quietly listening for the wee small voice to guide and direct me. To confirm or persuade me in what ever matters are on my heart.

Growing up in the sheer dysfunction that was my life, even after accepting Christ, I can’t say that I prayed too often as a child or teen. Not on my own anyway, the prayers that I was involved with were always in a group setting and it would not be until years later, I would learn the art of spending quality conversation time with God. There are moments even today, when I struggle with finding those moments. Each night I try to remember to say my thank-yous for the day, ask for forgiveness if I realize I wronged someone along the way; generally it is short and sweet, basically getting the “job” done. However, there are those moments when I really start having one of those good heart to hearts with Him, often weeping as I pour out my worries and frustrations. Saying openly that I believe that every trial, every struggle is all just a part of His plan for me. But also just as openly, I have become more comfortable with (over the years) telling Him that I don’t always like it, that His will, His allowance of my continued and often repeated struggles are not my favorite things. Asking not so much “why”, but “how” do I change it, what do I need to do, to be better aligned with His perfect will for me.

Recently, I have been waking before my alarm, and I have started using that time to have quiet prayer with God.  Asking Him to help me prepare for the day, to give me the needed strength, to ensure that everything I do or try to accomplish is according to His will. It is such a calm and quiet time, I have generally rested well, and find a different sort of solace in those first moments of the day. I have also, recently started running again, something I did when I was younger and before I became so very busy with my four kids. It too, has become a time to truly connect to God, as it was for me years ago. My son, gave me a new iPod Nano for my birthday, it came with the arm strap so I can have music while I run, walk or whatever... I have most all my fave Christian artists loaded on it, so that I can have the music, the lyrics pulsing through me with each step; reminding me who is in control.  I used it when I was cleaning our church the other night, singing out as I vacuumed and did my other cleaning tasks. My own private worship session; that is until the kitchen light came on and there stood one of my “moms” from our church family, she merely smiled and said she had turned the light on so I would know someone was there and not be startled. We had a short chuckle and went about our own tasks. There have been other times, when I have been alone in the church, cleaning and I just talk to God.  I pray, I sing, I connect; and He connects back to me. I could have walked in there, often quite late in the evening, wishing I had better planned my day; my weekend for that matter and perhaps not really wanting to be there at all.
Yet, once I enter that sanctuary alone, I am quickly reminded that I am NOT alone and His spirit fills my heart and soul and comforts me. Songs of prayer and praise move through me and I am singing out, enjoying the acoustics of the surrounding emptiness.
So I sing, I pray, and for that hour or two nothing can harm me or tear me down. His loving arms are wrapped around me, His gentle hand wipes away my tears. He as He promises in His word, takes care of this lost soul. Lifting me back up and encouraging me to trust, to have faith, and to love as He loves.

So if you believe in the magic of an 11:11 wish, try this: TRUST in the truth of a simple prayer at that same time, or ANY time for that matter. Have faith that in offering your troubles, your requests to God, that they will be answered. Perhaps not as we hope, but as He sees is right for us. Often in the beginning of our Christian journey, our wants and needs are not aligned. Often our prayers might seem somewhat needy, even greedy at times. Perhaps we barter, or give ultimatums. But I can honestly say that it does change  in time if you are truly reaching out to Him in prayer and asking to be conscious of His will for you, it does happen. You will become content in the simple things, and more grateful than ever when the smallest of miracles appear in your life. People will see it too. I often have people say to me “I don’t know how you do it” or “How do you do it Laurie?”  I always have the same one answer, “GOD.” He always provides us with everything we need. We don’t always have a lot of extras, but we have the necessities of life; a roof over our heads, food to eat, a working vehicle, and even though I do complain from time to time, I have a job too. These few facts bring me comfort and make me smile. Then I often add, “God is Good. All the Time.”  Because He is.

So the next time it’s 11:11 and you think about making a wish, say a prayer instead. Believe in the miracle of a conversation with God.

un.forgettable

NOTE: This was originally written and posted on fb on 03/21/2011

You only have 18 summers with your children, what kind of memories will you make in that short time.

As my final summer with my oldest child approaches, one that will be significantly shortened. I wanted to look over her life, and the wonderful, unforgettable memories we created along the way. So here goes, a memory for nearly every year... but 18 memories that are indeed unforgettable!

1) I remember the day you were born, you were so long - litteraly almost 2 feet long! and your tiny hands had beautiful long fingers... we talked about them being the fingers that would one day play the piano (which they have) but today; we know those long fingers, those beautiful hands play the flute, so lovely at times that it brings tears to my eyes.

2) You have always been a sensitive soul, and before you were even two I remember sitting together, our then small little family and watching The Lion King. You sat so silently, watching everything as the story evolved. Then to see the little tears, falling silently down your cheeks when Mufasa was killed and Simba was at his side. Today, that sensitive and caring heart is just one of the many reason so many people love you.

3) We were still living in Atlanta when you showed your innocence and kindness once again. We were at the mall and you were walking through a Pocohontas attraction. There was a little girl there also, about the say age - she was a pretty little black girl. You walked right up to her and gently touched her face and told her what pretty skin she had. Her mother looked at me and smiled, thanking you and they walked away. To this day, I have never seen you judge anyone by appearance; always taking the oppertunity to see what is inside.

4) We had moved back to Nebraska after your 3rd birthday and were settling into a new home and town. I recall the Halloween before you would be entering school. Im not sure how we aquired it, but we had a HUGE pumpkin - you and the neighbor kids got to help "gut" the giant pumpkin and make the biggest Jack-O-Latern any of you had ever seen. I can still remember all of you and your little arms, reaching down in after the seeds... up to your armpits - it was such a deep reach. It turned out great and I think you all went to bed excited about what you had created! There was a storm that Halloween night, yet in the wee hours of the morning following... some of the local HS kids decided to hae some "fun" and destroyed many of teh smaller pumpkins in our neighborhood, and stole ours! I can still hear your little voice as you asked me "Why would somebody steal our pumpkin Mommy"? I had no answer... that day my heart was only sad for you.

5) Your first year of school, we had moved to North Platte over Christmas break and you were at your new school, where they had books made for each child in your class. Stories about yourself and two of your best friends. They told what you liked to eat and what you liked to do. They were presented to you one evening, with the local TV cameras there. I still chuckle when I think about them calling your name - you stand and walk up to get your book. The lady just had this surprised look on her face stating "My, you are a tall little girl aren't you"? I know today you wonder why you didn't keep being one of the "tall" ones in your class, guess God had other plans. :)

6) My memories of you from this year was of the summer playing softball and your friend Kaycee. The two of you were inseperateable and there was always lots of giggles and laughter when you were together. :D

7) First broken bone. Its an odd statmenet, but I can still her you screaming and crying... which takes me back to that day and as you walked into the house covered in leaves and looking like you arm was out of socket! A scarey moment for the both of us.

8) I remember your 8th Birthday and all the little girls running around in our front yard. It is the image of those little girls; Amy, Jessica, and Becky to name a few and how you have all grown up over the years... Those silly little girls are now mature young women, all embarking on their own futures.

9) You would become a BIG sister again and what a wonderful little helper you were, still are. You are the best oldest child, as you have always tried to put your siblings feelings ahead of your own, to help them, encourage and support them; to love them unconditionally. (even when you want to wring their necks!) I don't think you really know how much they are really going to miss you! <3

10) I have to group two years together for this memory... 4th and 5th grades were so fun for me to watch you!

You loved your teachers dearly and in turn loved school all the more!! Mrs Brechbill encouraged you to be yourself and Mr Heogh showed you what a positive male role model could be. I treasure the time you got to spend with them both! 5th grade also was the first year you began to play VB, and a true love of the sport was born!

11) Your love of music would continue to grow this year, as it was your second year in band and you were given the privillage of being selected to Sing Around Nebraska. I was so proud to attend the concert in Lincoln, and to see your beaming face as you performed. To this day, I am often asked if you are still singing - so many people like myself, think you have a beautiful voice.

12) First year of Middle School, a place where you continued to learn who you were. Enjoyed band, Loved VB, and continued to feed a young love of History. You would also learn that you enjoyed throwing in track. You would spend the year staying active and being a part of things... hanging out with friends and living life! 

13) This is the year when I saw you continue to be a dear and true friend. This was the year Carmin and her family were home on furlough from PNG. You immediatly wanted to make sure she didn't feel akward about being the "new girl"  Your friendship would grow and blossom over the coarse of the year since they also attended church with us. It would also the year I saw your heart truly sad (nearly broken) for the first time as she and her family would leave to go back to PNG for 4 years. You learned the art of letter writing from this experience, something to treasure... those letters where you share your hopes and dreams, and even your fears. OH! I almost forgot... the BEST Surprise Birhtday EVER!! <3

14) High School! This would be another moment of significant change. Especially on the VB court, where two of your good friends and teammates would walk away from the court and onto the Softball field... making adjustments not only to your "game" but to the whos you spent a significant amount of time with. New friendships would be built. Marching Band would spark a new intrest...desire. You would also do well in Concert/Honor Bands, earning awards along the way. Honor Roll and you would letter in Track as a Freshman! :)

*Band Trip to Chicago - I so wish I could have been at that Cubs game with you!! :D

15) My memory of this year is your driving passion in band, the year you decided you wanted to be the Drum Major and tried out for the second time and would be said Drum Major for the first time your Junior year! That summer driving to Lincoln with you for Drum Major Camp - listening to all the stories on the way home of how much fun you and Caitlin had had; the friends you had made!

During the school year you would also be a part of the musical (Annie Get Your Gun) More Honor Bands and awards for your hard work and dedication. Acedemic efforts would continue to be rewarded! You would again letter in Track. 

This summer you would be Chicago bound again... this time for a different reason - but one that God had planned for a very long time. It was this summer you would fall in love and I would loose a part of my little girl. I still love to watch your face light up when you talk about David! <3

16) Your first year as Drum Major! I remember how scared you were for the HOH parade, as Caitlin was the Queen Candidate and you would be leading the entire band ALONE for the parade - in your first major competition!! You did great and the AHS Band received EVERY Award they could win that day!! I still see the pride in your face as you realized how well the band had done! You had continued succes in other competitions as well as Honor Bands! You were also blessed with continued Acedemic/Track success. 

17) SENIOR YEAR! Where have the years gone...

This year alone has revealed so much growth in you to me. The moments when you can only say "remember when"

This has been a year of "lasts" but also a year of "firsts" - a year to treasure and try to hold on to forever. <3

Your passion for music and the band continued. You had the privilage (to my delight) to perform with 2 of your siblings.... moments I know you will ALL treasure for the rest of your lives.

You sorrowfully packed away one love and all its precious memories to give all your efforts to your new passion - music, more specifically band. It paid off, you were selected to FOUR Honor Bands!! Watching you play this year has been so wonderful, such a privilage!! ...and the year is not over yet! To see you play, to watch you feel the music, to KNOW that it is a part of you, connected to your soul, brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. God gave you a beautiful gift and you have worked hard to cultivate it and allow it to flourish and become something wonderful and amazing.

I truly am so very proud of you! <3

18) This is more of a wish, no a prayer other than being one final memory... I pray that you will continue to live your life in the manner you have these past 18 years. Loving God, trusting Him in times that seem to hard to manage on your own. To continue to grow and flourish in your talent and in life. To excell in school and to become the best teacher you can be... loving your students and empowering them to be more than they might believe they are capable of.

I pray that you will continue to hold the heart of the wonderful young man who loves you so... to have a family and to be happy and content in your lives. To not want or need but to live with a bit more ease than you might have seen us live as you were growing up. I pray that you will be a capable wife and mother - and I know that you will.

God has given you such a kind and loving heart, one that reaches out when you see a need.

I love you daughter of mine -

I love the little girl you once were,

the young woman you are,

and the strong and confident woman you have started to become. 

You are unforgettable -

and in His image, you were created to succeed and do amazing things!

love always,

madre`

un.masked

NOTE: This was written and originally posted on fb on 03/07/2011

A few years back when I was in early recovery, I shared with my parents that I had put myself in out-patient treatment and that I was indeed an alcoholic. They looked at me stunned, and both my mother and step father said "your not an alcoholic" going on to add, "If your an alcoholic - than so-in-so must be one too" or (one of my faves) "I never saw you drink" (HA! I didn't want you too!)

And I didn't... I didn't want anyone to know that part of me. For years I had three sets of people that I interacted with; my close friends (church family) and family to whom I acted as if everything in my world was just fine and dandy. My work friends, and my drinking friends. The latter two sometimes, but only rarely crossed paths. I lived these separate lives, wearing a masks and pretending to be someone I was not in each and every situation. Constantly trying to make everyone and I do meaneveryone happy. After doing this for years, even before I started drinking; it was a never ending stage of killing myself to try make everyone around me happy. I can only sadly report that I am sure that never happened.

As a child of an alcoholic and abusive father, I put my first mask on at a very early age. I learned to hide behind it, to use the painted face to hide my pain, to try and protect me from any more than I was already enduring. I wore that masks to school; each and every one of the 11 schools I attended in 13 years. The mask changed a bit as I grew older; it became thicker and had walls that developed from it, holding it in place in front of me. Hiding the tears, and scars that were buried to the very core of my being.

I grew up knowing about God, and as a young girl of 11 accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. However, it was also as a young child that the abuse I endured was above and beyond... and eventually after nearly 5 years of intermittent, unexplainable abuse I was just plain angry at God for allowing me to be hurt in such a manner. By the time I was 19, I turned my back on Him, adjusted to a third mask and spent the next 13 years hiding behind it or one similar; all just to get through a day in the life of me.

It was then I too discovered alcohol, a mask still my faithful accessory. This one easier to wear; yet it too was just another way I was trying to make those around me happy; to be a part of - to feel included. And sometimes to hide. I so longed for the ability to not feel like I was always on the outside looking in. Yet, I was. I would still look in the mirror and wish I was different; that I was prettier, smarter, more like someone else... whomever they may be. Or, often to just become invisible, to melt away into the world around me. I was never OK with who I was, and frankly because of the mask(s) I'm not sure I knew who that was anyways.

God removed the biggest of those masks from me one day nearly 14 years ago. In doing so He opened my eyes to two things: 1- He had never left my side, even when I had turned my back and tried to leave Him and 2-He loved me for exactly who I was... even if I didn't. You see, I was witness to, actually a big part of a modern day miracle. (Ask me about it sometime, as it is another story - but shows of His great love and protection.)  I still had those masks though and it took be a long time to be able to, not just put them away; but discard them completely. In fact it was about the time I entered treatment a little over 7 years ago that I was finally able to do it, and that too was over a period of time.

Once you remove the mask(s) and get OK with you, wonderful things start to happen. Too often though, because you have the history that you do (that I did) you find those good things hard to except and ofter sabotage yourself because you believe you are undeserving. Good things just don't happen to you, only hurt, pain and sadness. You really believe that you don't deserve different, especially if different is better. You don't understand or believe the fact that God made you just as you are - fearfully and wonderfully made. That you are His child whom He loves so very much and only wants good things for; great things!

I still have moments where I seemingly appear to be shifting through imaginary boxes and come across one of those old masks, as soon as I innocently put in on, those old recordings immediately start to play, and just for the moment (and if your not careful a lot of moments) you forget who God has helped you become and you fall back into the pit once again. You get scared, yet the mask is oddly comfortable, like a favorite old shoe. But this shoe has a big hole in the sole and there is a storm raging outside. Then you hear a wee small voice reminding you, of who you are and where you are going. More importantly where you have come from.

God truly does want the best of the best for us all. We are His children, unique and special - fearfully and wonderfully made; each and everyone of us. We need to learn to appreciate that fact, to embrace who we are and be happy with the reflection we see in the mirror. To be OK with who God has created us to be, an original, created in His image. We should live each day thinking the following:

I am confident with who I am. I do not need to pretend to be something I am not. God created me exactly as I am, with my own special gifts and talents. There is no other like me and I am like no other. He has plans for me to do great things, if I only have faith and believe.

un.stoppable

NOTE: This was originally written and posted of fb 03/01/2011

Something amazing happened to me over the coarse of a simple 48 hours, I was reminded of who I can become, not who I might have been... I was reminded that MY God has blessings, and favors in store for me that I can not even imagine! All I have to do is ask... for His help, His guidance, His grace.

I was given a book as a gift just before Christmas, Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now", I read a couple chapters and then it got lost on the table with all the rest of the clutter that has been invading my life. Allowing the darkness to become overwhelming, the depression to win.

Well, after this weekend, I picked up my book and read the next chapter, picking up where I had left off. Chapter 4, Breaking the Barriers of the Past; and boy, do I have some barriers... most of the time, I don't let them get to me, but it has been a rough few months, and I got pulled back in and started listening to those old recordings and believing the lies that the spew into my mind. Thank God, that He is louder than any of those old recordings, that HE is able to fill our minds, hearts and souls with what we really need to hear - that we are His, we are beautiful, we have promise, we can succeed.

As I ask God for the courage to do what I have started before; to take a stand, to remember the past, learn from it and start something new; to go beyond where I come from... and to believe that I was born for something more, something bigger, something better, something great!

So I will share with you; close friends, new friends and whomever might listen; what God is telling me along the way. I have always loved to write, have often been inspired to do so. I hope that my words can be comforting to many of you... as they comfort me just by being said.

Joel talks about "declaring" things. A few of my friends do so also.

He shares this great prayer, I plan to use it and encourage you to do the same;

"Father, I thank You that I have Your favor. Your favor is opening doors of opportunity. Your favor is bringing success into my life."

Say this every morning and then go on with your day with confidence, knowing that you truly do have God's favor. End your day with thanking him for His favor as well.If we do our part, God will do His.