Such a simple sentence but on one particular night, it became a powerful stepping stone towards me regaining my life.
"My name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic"
I still remember the first time I said it, how terrified I was to utter those words, to admit to such a fault, but I also remember the sudden and overwhelming relief I felt, my secret was no longer my own. Still a secret of sorts, held inside the anonymity of the four walls I sat within; but I no longer had to deal with it on my own. By stepping through that door, I surrounded myself with people who were like me and for the first time in years, I didn't feel different. I was part of something, I felt included.
I dove in head first, experiencing a new sort of high, my new addiction was my sobriety. They recommend 90 meetings in 90 days when you are in early recovery, and thanks to an almost daily noon meeting, 3 evening meetings every week and taking advantage of technology I attended numerous online meetings as well, thus achieving far more than 90 meetings those first 90 days. I couldn't get enough, surrounding myself with "like" people, people who understood my pain, had experienced it too. It felt good, and after fighting depression for decades I wanted to feel better and hopefully stay that way. It was within those walls, surrounded by new friends who spoke regularly about their own "higher power" I remembered who my higher power was and I took Him off the shelf.
Sometimes when people who know God become angry and walk away from Him, they don't really leave Him. They actually just set Him aside, perhaps putting Him away in a proverbial "box" and placing it on a shelf. A shelf that they can have easy access to, when they feel desperate enough to call out to Him. Then when they are knee deep in trouble of their own doing, they call out to Him, begging Him to fix it; to get them out of the mess that they have gotten themselves into. I did it, I would be in way over my head and tearfully promise to not make that particular mistake again. So with me begging and pleading, He would answer my half-felt prayer and I would soon make that same mistake again.
It was in those rooms, surrounded by different likenesses of me, I realized that God had stayed with me, even though I had been running from Him. That He not only answered my prayers, but quiet often saved me from the worst things imaginable. It was in those rooms, that I realized I needed God more than ever. And in finding God again, I also knew I needed more. So treatment became the next step I needed to take, but as a single-mom and the sole caregiver to my young children I couldn't bare being separated from them for 30 days, let alone the fact there was no one to take care of them. So I attended Out-Patient Treatment, treatment that took me 15 months to complete. Treatment with a counselor I was going to "trade-in" on day one. I was even a little bit angry at God for placing this person in my life, asking why? Today I am so very thankful for a man named Chuck, and how he helped me to get where I needed to be; sober and healthy and whole again. And for giving me the tools of how to stay that way. Then about 18 months into my sobriety, I found my church family, surrounding myself with more people to help me on my path to healing.
That was ten years ago, a full decade has passed. I have grown and learned how to be a better person. I surrounded myself with people who love the Lord, who encouraged and supported me, I have been able to build a much better life for myself and my children. One filled with happiness, laughter and love. It was tough, and I had my moments where I wanted to throw in the towel, better yet sit my butt on a bar stool and grab a drink or two, (or twenty). But I didn't, because I had a new foundation to stand on, or when need be, to fall back on. One that was God-centered and I knew if I just gave it to Him, whatever the problem was, things would be OK. Maybe not right away, God's timing being what it is sometimes; but my sobriety through God gave me a sense of calm that I still can't really explain. I can merely trust that He has it. I also have faith in what His Word tells me; that He has already written my story, every word, every sentence, all before I took my very first breath. He knows the ending, and if I trust in what He has done by giving us His son to die for our sins, my sins; then there is only one ending that matters, Eternity with Him.
Over the years people have asked me how I do it, especially in the early years when all the kids were still so small. Time and again they would say "I don't know how you do it" I would just smile and either look up or point to the heavens, always giving God the credit. I did not do it on my own and I truly could not have survived without Him. To this day, I know that God took care of us and that He still does. We have never gone without anything we need; a roof over our heads, heat in the winter, AC in the summer, food to eat and clothes on our backs. I always had some sort of transportation, He truly is the great provider, He cares for us all.
So now, as I celebrate this milestone I just want to take a moment to thank the people who helped me to get here.To those people who encouraged me, supported me and helped me to see a different person. A person who was bigger and better than her past. To look in the mirror and love the person that I see. Without you all, I would still be lost and alone. I wanted to try and list all your names, but I didn't want to overlook anyone. I know you know who you are, and how much you mean to me. It is through many of you that I have learned the true meaning of unconditional love, that family is more than blood or a name. God brought each and every one of you into my life, just when I needed you the most.
Lastly, I want to thank my children for not giving up on a mom who was all sorts of crazy at times. For forgiving my mistakes and learning with me on how to become a healthy family, on how to love and forgive. How to laugh with one another and cry if need to. To be there, no matter what. I am so proud of all of you, and to see you achieve in your lives, to do things I only dreamed of - to see you have those moments, makes my heart soar with love, happiness and pride. Once upon a time, when my disease had the best of me, I thought I was a bad mom. But once I started getting healthy, only through my sobriety did I realized that I am a good mom. God entrusted me with all four of you - amazing kids who allowed me to be a mom, your mom. My greatest accomplishment in life next to getting sober, is to be your mother. Nothing else I do will ever come close. I love you bunches!
