Actually, there were two calls, the first coming earlier in the evening, but I didn't answer because It had been such a long time since I spoke with this person, that I didn't know where to expect the conversation to go. My youngest was still up and I didn't want to spoil her day or upset her. A phone call with this person can get quiet emotional and my scars are deep, not to mention there was a fresh wound I was still trying to heal. So I waited, and after I tucked my daughter in and we said our prayers, with some hesitation I called my mother back.
The call started simply enough with a thank you for my gesture. I had sent a New Years Card (LATE) (mind you this one along with three or four others got buried on the mass of papers on my table-top.) with wonderful pics of my family from this summer's wedding. I thought it would be a nice Valentines card as well. However, I was reminded that the wedding was months ago and they certainly would have liked to seen pictures sooner. I apologized, but really didn't know how to express the disappointment I felt because she and my stepfather had been invited the the wedding and that they had chosen not to come. My mother then shared with me a piece of unrelated and wonderful news, well, it should have been wonderful. However it was tainted with the fact that the original news had been omitted.
It was in this moment that my mother told me she was cancer free. Cancer Free! And had been so for just over a year. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, the tears came uncontrollably because I was just now learning that my mom had cancer! Praise God, she was healed and healthy and doing well, but she had been diagnosed with cancer and this was the first moment she thought about giving me this information. I asked her, why she hadn't told me before. She said she knew I had a lot going on, with Carrie having been so ill and then the wedding, she didn't want to bother me with it. She explained that she had her first surgery just after the wedding, and in my head it made sense why they had not been there. I even said, so that makes sense why you didn't come to the wedding. I was quickly informed that that was not the reason, they felt they received the invite late, that they were an afterthought and that we really didn't want them there. Another crushing blow! I reminded her that Carrie had been ill, and that all the invites were sent later than planned. But that we sent it because we realized life is too short and that all of our family should be a part of this wonderful day.
Keep in mind, this is a part of the dysfunctional family I grew up in. I also have to reveal that a little over two years ago, because of a volatile phone conversation, I severed all ties and stopped communicating with my mom, asking her to respect my wishes as our relationship was just too toxic and unhealthy, not only for myself but for my children as well. And she did, she has sent cards at Christmas and birthdays (which we did not respond to, right or wrong), but she respected my wishes and things hurt a lot less because no one was disappointed by broken promises or wishful thinking. Old wounds began to heal, instead of salt being poured into them over and over again. Maybe I was being an overprotective mother, but I was not about to allow that old dysfunctional cycle to creep its way back into our existence. It was not going to happen.
So for the next hour, through 3 mirrored conversations, we hashed and rehashed what has been going on between us. I tried to answer her questions, I don't know that she really truly heard me. I don't think anything was ever really answered, let alone resolved; a part of me doesn't know if it ever will. She thinks I blame her for all of our differences. I repeatedly told her I do not blame her, that I have made the choices I have made, both good and bad, on my own, for myself and my children. Without it being too hurtful, I tried to explain that most of often, our visits or time spent together are toxic, that I actually become physically ill after spending time together because it is generally spent arguing or pretending everything is OK. I grew up hiding my feelings, hiding all the ugliness and dysfunction. It made me ill then and it is something I will no longer do. I can't. So, for my health and sanity and that of my children, I have chosen the path I am on. A path that separates us from what is more often than not. From what is not patient, but is sometimes unkind, not humble, is often hopeless, and can be untruthful and not endearing. Instead that path is something that is only hurtful, angry, toxic and unforgiving.
I know the God who breathed the words of 1 Corinthians 13 wants those words to be truth for the both of us, and that hopefully we can find the truth of those words, together. Verse 13 states:
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
For me, I will cling to the hope and hold firm to my faith that God's love will indeed save us all. I pray for my family, for my distanced family. That we might find God's love, and the greatness of its power to heal all things, to bring peace and comfort to a place where it has never really been known. To have victory over the darkness that once was our lives. To shine like the Son.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
