90 Days of Grace

I've waited 90 days to write this, 90 days to express my anger, frustration, and sorrow. 90 days to share what an amazing young woman my daughter has become; correction, is. It was very quiet this fall in our household, too quiet. The quietness came about because the activity that would have had us on the go, per usual; was silenced. My daughter is a softball player, an amazing and talented one at that. But due to a series of unfortunate events, she was not allowed to play this fall. Here it was her senior season and she could not play the game she loves and was born to play. It was devastating, to say the least.

The information of the impending situation arrived through a phone call in late May and within days it was evident that things did not look good. I would spend another two weeks trying to find a solution, a saving grace. There was none. What was done was done, paperwork although misfiled, was just that -filed. No turning back the clocks, no do overs. Just a door being shut in our face, turning us away.

She did play summer ball, although each game was a bit more difficult as it brought her closer to the inevitable fact she would not be playing in the fall. I saw her give her all each and every game, the only senior most games; leading and encouraging the younger girls. I know her team and coach appreciated her. The team had success, including a District Championship. She had some amazing plays that weekend, especially that final championship game. It still brings tears to my eyes as I write these words today, because it was that afternoon I truly felt her pain and disappointment, knowing she would not be able to experience those sorts of moments in the fall with her high school team. She shared with me later that day, those same thoughts. She said with each play, she knew she would not be playing much longer; that she was almost done. The girls celebrated that afternoon small and mighty, young; but a solid team of girls who played hard and were then rewarded for their efforts. I can easily say it is one of my favorite moments of the summer of 2013. My daughter played one more weekend after that, but then chose to have her summer season finish a bit early as each and every game became harder and harder to be a part of. The fall came, the start of the high school season. I watched as my daughter attended each and every home game. Sitting in the stands, in a now supporting role. Cheering on her teammates that she should have instead been playing alongside. It hurt both our hearts, but God had a different plan.

With His Help, I Can Cope

SIT QUIETLY WITH ME, letting my fears and worries bubble up to the surface of your consciousness. There, in the Light of My Presence  the bubbles pop and disappear. However, some fears surface over and over again, especially fear of teh future. You tend to project yourself mentally into the next day, week, month, your decade; and you visualize yourself coping badly in those times. What you are seeing is a false image, because it doesn't include Me. Those gloomy times that you imagine will not come to pass, since My Presence will be with you at all times.

When a future-oriented worry assails you, capture it and disarm it by suffusing the Light of My Presence into the mental image. Say to yourself, "Jesus will be with me then and there. With His help, I can cope!" Then, come home to the present moment, where you can enjoy Peace in My Presence.  ~Jesus Calling (Nov 9)

Luke 12:22-26, Deuteronomy 31:6, 2 Corinthians 10:5

It's hard to not think about the future. And if you are used to hard times, perhaps bad habits from before you truly knew the Lord, looking forward to the future is filled with continued darkness and hard times. But as this says; all those images are false, they are not what will be, for today, tomorrow and always we will be in the company of our loving Lord. He is not saying hard times won't come, that bad things will miss us because we are His. He is saying that we will get through, He will help us get through by giving us the needed strength, wrapping us in His Comfort, protecting us from the strongest blows. He is always going to be beside us, often carrying us when we are just unable to take another step. There have been many times that someone has said to me, "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't do what you do." I smile, most often look up to the heavens and say "God, I would not be able to get through any of this without Him."

I asked Christ into my life when I was 11, and it was just that I understood what he did (for the most part) and I certainly needed a "friend" so I prayed with a counselor at camp and immediately felt a difference, some simple form of hope filled me, giving me momentary strength and courage to go through a given day.  A year later the enemy decided to wreck havoc on my life and I became fearful and unbelieving. How could a God who is loving and there for me, allow the terrible things that were happening in my life. I prayed, I begged God to change the circumstances but it didn't happen. Not quite a decade later, I just walked away. I was broken from years of abuse and I believed the lies of the enemy, and gave up on this "loving God" that had been shared with me those years ago. I made bad choices, terrible choices with my life. I endangered my life with many of those choices. But I am here to tell you that when you accept the truth of who Christ is, what He did for you on that cross. He becomes a part of your life, His Spirit a part of your soul; He isn't gone, no matter how far away you try to get, how much you push away. He is there, watching over you, protecting you; waiting for you, to choose to come home.

I did finally make that choice, I remembered who He was, is and will always be. I understood that He was protecting me all those years ago, for it could have been so much worse. Even when I was living a life so far from Him and making terribly unsafe choices, He continued to watch over me, this rebel child; a true prodigal daughter if you will. Then when I had had enough of Satan's lies, and headed back towards Him,  He opened His arms to me and welcomed me home. I was overwhelmed those first few months, I had done so many horrible things,yet I was being told and understood that He loved me, that He forgave me of each and everything.

Don't give up, don't be angry when life is harder or doesn't seem to be going your way. Trust and have faith that He is right there with you, this moment is just that, a moment; don't forget in trusting your life to Him, You have all eternity to look forward to. Lord forgive our human minds and thank you for loving us and taking care of us, always. Amen

The Love and Light, Peace and Joy of His Presence

I Am The Eternal I Am; I always have been, and I always will be.  In My Presence you experience Love and Light, Peace and Joy.  I am intimately involved in all your moments, and I am training you to be aware of Me at all times.  Your assignment is to collaborate with Me in this training process.

I have taken up residence within you; I am central in your innermost being.  Your mind goes off in tangents from its holy Center, time after time.  Do not be alarmed by your inability to remain focused on Me.  Simply bring your thoughts gently back to Me each time they wander.  The quickest way to redirect your mind to me is to whisper My Name. ~ Jesus Calling (Aug 25)

Exodus 3:14, 1 Corinthians 3:16, Psalm 25:14-15

As Christians we all know that Christ lives within us. How comforting for that reminder in the midst of struggles that we might be experiencing. To be reminded that He knows what those struggles are, that He knows what we want for an outcome in every situation. More importantly to be reminded that He knows what that outcome, His outcome is to be in each and every thing.

Its been a rough patch again these past couple months, a lot going on that was out of my control. Most of it I was able to let go of, at least I thought I was, and go forward through each day. However... I soon realized that maybe I wasn't giving up as much control that I thought. God made us in His image and created us to think, choose and allows us to be human. Human, being human is what gets me every time! Weather it be my mothering heart, concerned for my children or just everyday concerns like finances or making time to do what needs to be done. I often fail at making good choices, or the right choices at a given moment. It is sometimes easier to just sit and do nothing. Now when you sit and do nothing and take that time to connect with our Savior, then that's pretty good use of your time. That has not been me, not until recently that is. Instead I was taking those quiet moments to just stop, stop and do nothing and then the results of nothing began to rear it's ugly head.

As I force (in the beginning I needed to) myself into that quiet time with God, instead of lazy time for me. I am finding myself coming back into a frame of mind that is lifted up with a quiet strength that I have only ever found in His presence, given by His Spirit. It keeps me afloat, keeps me moving forward and I have been awakened again. Its comforting to know how forgiving God is, even with repeat offences. I have so much I want to do, so much I need to do. I am just thankful that if I allow myself to stay connected to Him, to the guiding and teaching He places in my innermost thoughts, that I will know what to do first, what might need to wait and most importantly what doesn't need to be done at all.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me in my continued imperfection.When I forget that You and You alone are in control, Gently guide me back on course of the path already provided for me by You. The path that was written before I take a step, or even speak a word. Thank you for being the great I AM, for Moses, for myself and all those before and in between. Thank you for continuing to love us and for lifting us up in our trials that those who do not know you might see. Might see YOU in us, the light that shines through us when we allow it to. Then perhaps in seeing You, they might come to know You and have You be the guiding presence in their own lives too. I pray for the hurting, You know who they are. I ask that You give them comfort and grace, and strength to meet what they are facing, allow them to feel Your Presence and be reminded that they are not alone. Amen.

When Sacrifice Means Letting Go, Not Giving Up

I can't recall when I actually started participating in the observation of Lent, and to be honest I don't believe that I was actually active in any church at the time. But somewhere along the road I did, and I shared the activity with my children. But as the years have passed, it gets harder to find something that is truly a sacrifice to give up or you just end up repeating what you have done a year or two before and it just really doesn't have the same meaning. Especially when I did get involved in a church, and did truly understand the true sacrifice Jesus Christ paid for me. It was then that giving up coffee, chocolate or even Facebook just didn't seem as worthy. Please don't think that I believe doing any of these things is unworthy, I just am feeling led in a new direction. And until just last year, I did each of these things I have mentioned, and I am hopeful that God smiled down on my attempts. However, it has been the past couple years where I have changed my focus and am following a new approach to this time of year. 

I started trying to give more of my time to the Lord, for example; by reading more of His word. Spending real time attempting to study and understand this wonderful letter of love He has given to us.  I also wanted to be giving more of my time and making efforts to be truly kind to others, to go beyond the surface and perhaps look for someone who is in emotional or spiritual need. I didn't fail miserably last year, but I knew I could do better. This year I wanted and needed to do better, my heart was aching for change. 

It was just one day into the Lenten season when I wrote my last entry. What a change nearly 28 days has been and where God is leading my heart. This year is not so much the number of who's I might be able to reach out to but a singular who that I really need to be doing just that to, and more. I have often spoke of my dysfunctional upbringing and that left me with a lot of unwanted and ultimately damaged baggage. Some of that baggage can be left along the way, some of it is still necessary and you merely have to repair it and continue carrying it along life's path. Some relationships are just that sort of baggage. You can set them down and walk away at a moment when you feel it is the best thing to do, the healthy thing to do. And in most cases, that's where it all ends. You move forward a little lighter than before, experienced, but life goes on. I have recently discovered though, that I may have tried to discard one of those pieces that merely just needed/needs repair.

Please don't think I'm cold and heartless for calling a relationship, a person,  a piece of baggage. But I believe a tangible object is sometimes necessary when trying to understand certain types of relationships, and how they function (or sometimes, not function). There are a good number of people in my life I have had to walk away from,  just like leaving behind a piece of unwanted baggage or box of unwanted things. Most of those time, what was left behind needs to be just that, left behind. God gives us the strength to move forward and leads us to places where new relationships can be formed and sometimes those new relationships can ease the pain from the past, allowing the healing process to begin. On occasion you not only miss that familiar and tattered bag, but you realize it also contains something you need, perhaps you thought it was lost and then realized not at all, it's just back there in that place you walked away from. 

As I mentioned, I was the one who walked away, closed the door, severed the ties in the relationship with my mom. It was what I truly believed to be in the best interest of all involved at the time, and looking back I would still do the same thing. In that moment, it was the only sane and safe choice I knew how to make. It was the second hardest choice I have made to date, in my life. I am learning that even a choice made partially out of anger, but mostly from fear and uncertainty, can be changed. I have learned that time may not heal all wounds, but that God heals all hearts, if we let Him. I learned that life is too short to still be angry about things that can't be changed and most often occurred out of our personal control. I have learned, that there are moments in life, moments meant to be shared by everyone and we can't let ourselves be blinded by the ugliness of emotions that only the Evil one is responsible for placing in our line of sight.

I'm hoping that I didn't realize this all too late, that I didn't blow the chance to be able to duct tape the heck out of a bag that I helped to kick around, contributing to it arriving in the battered condition it is in. That my gestures are perceived as true and hopeful, perhaps even hope-filled. My wish would be that we can move forward, without looking back. Acknowledge things yes, but to not dwell on that beat up and battered bag that represents a handful of moments in time. To know that we still want to have it around, to repair it so that we can add new memories to store inside it. Possibly even replacing the ones that may have been missed. But knowing (and praising the fact) that God loves us just as we are, after all He made us; in His likeness for that matter. We can't be all that bad, even at our worse, especially if we truly know Him and believe in Him, and trust in what His Son did for us on the cross.

Sacrifice. True Sacrifice. Christ didn't give up. Yes, He did ask for a different path, a different cup. But then, He said, "Thy will, not mine" and then He let go, let go of this life on earth, and  in doing so, taking on all our pain and suffering; most often self inflicted by the sinful nature of who we are as mere humans. He just did, He bore our sins, the ultimate sacrifice. The spotless and perfect lamb, dying for us. Even His last words, "Father, forgive them". How do we deserve that, how do I deserve that? I hope that on that day when I meet Him face to face, I am not so overwhelmed by the glory of it all that I fail to say Thank You Lord, I didn't deserve it. Thank you for your sacrifice and forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me, guiding me to do the same, forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

A post Valentines thought...

Isn't it funny how one certain voice, or a simple sentence can turn a seemingly ordinary day, upside down?  Can take you from joyful to despair in mere seconds? I received a phone call last night that sent me into a just such a situation. After a quiet and somewhat uneventful Valentine's day, I couldn't imagine it ending on such a chaotic and heart-breaking note. Yet, it most certainly did.

Actually, there were two calls, the first coming earlier in the evening, but I didn't answer because It had been such a long time since I spoke with this person, that I didn't know where to expect the conversation to go. My youngest was still up and I didn't want to spoil her day or upset her. A phone call with this person can get quiet emotional and my scars are deep, not to mention there was a fresh wound I was still trying to heal. So I waited, and after I tucked my daughter in and we said our prayers, with some hesitation I called my mother back.

The call started simply enough with a thank you for my gesture. I had sent a New Years Card (LATE) (mind you this one along with three or four others got buried on the mass of papers on my table-top.) with wonderful pics of my family from this summer's wedding. I thought it would be a nice Valentines card as well. However, I was reminded that the wedding was months ago and they certainly would have liked to seen pictures sooner. I apologized, but really didn't know how to express the disappointment I felt because she and my stepfather had been invited the the wedding and that they had chosen not to come. My mother then shared with me a piece of unrelated and wonderful news, well, it should have been wonderful. However it was tainted with the fact that the original news had been omitted.

It was in this moment that my mother told me she was cancer free. Cancer Free!  And had been so for just over a year. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, the tears came uncontrollably because I was just now learning that my mom had cancer! Praise God, she was healed and healthy and doing well, but she had been diagnosed with cancer and this was the first moment she thought about giving me this information. I asked her, why she hadn't told me before. She said she knew I had a lot going on, with Carrie having been so ill and then the wedding, she didn't want to bother me with it. She explained that she had her first surgery just after the wedding, and in my head it made sense why they had not been there. I even said, so that makes sense why you didn't come to the wedding. I was quickly informed that that was not the reason, they felt they received the invite late, that they were an afterthought and that we really didn't want them there. Another crushing blow! I reminded her that Carrie had been ill, and that all the invites were sent later than planned. But that we sent it because we realized life is too short and that all of our family should be a part of this wonderful day. 

Keep in mind, this is a part of the dysfunctional family I grew up in. I also have to reveal that a little over two years ago, because of a volatile phone conversation, I severed all ties and stopped communicating with my mom, asking her to respect my wishes as our relationship was just too toxic and unhealthy, not only for myself but for my children as well.  And she did, she has sent cards at Christmas and birthdays (which we did not respond to, right or wrong), but she respected my wishes and things hurt a lot less because no one was disappointed by broken promises or wishful thinking. Old wounds began to heal, instead of salt being poured into them over and over again. Maybe I was being an overprotective mother, but I was not about to allow that old dysfunctional cycle to creep its way back into our existence. It was not going to happen. 

So for the next hour, through 3 mirrored conversations, we hashed and rehashed what has been going on between us. I tried to answer her questions, I don't know that she really truly heard me. I don't think anything was ever really answered, let alone resolved; a part of me doesn't know if it ever will. She thinks I blame her for all of our differences. I repeatedly told her I do not blame her, that I have made the choices I have made, both good and bad, on my own, for myself and my children. Without it being too hurtful, I tried to explain that most of often, our visits or time spent together are toxic, that I actually become physically ill after spending time together because it is generally spent arguing or pretending everything is OK. I grew up hiding my feelings, hiding all the ugliness and dysfunction. It made me ill then and it is something I will no longer do. I can't. So, for my health and sanity and that of my children, I have chosen the path I am on.  A path that separates us from what is more often than not. From what is not patient,  but is sometimes unkind, not humble, is often hopeless, and can be untruthful and not endearing. Instead that path is something that is only hurtful, angry, toxic and unforgiving.  

I know the God who breathed the words of 1 Corinthians 13 wants those words to be truth for the both of us, and that hopefully we can find the truth of those words, together. Verse 13 states: 
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

For me, I will cling to the hope and hold firm to my faith that God's love will indeed save us all. I pray for my family, for my distanced family. That we might find God's love, and the greatness of its power to heal all things, to bring peace and comfort to a place where it has never really been known. To have victory over the darkness that once was our lives. To shine like the Son.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.