I love the show Quantum Leap. We just recently started watching it as a family on Netflix. It was always one of my faves. It is fun to share something I really enjoy with my kids and have them enjoy it too. As unrealistic as it truly is, wouldn't it be something, to be able to go back and relive some significant moment in our lives... and as Sam Beckett believed - right a wrong? Such a thing, is of coarse, not possible.
I often remind myself that our lives are His story for us, already written as He intended it to be. Still there remain the moments where we might just want to change the hurt, the things that in particular make our hearts truly ache. The particular episode we were recently watching, AL was trying to repair, correct something in his past, mainly fix it so his heart would not be broken. Wouldn't that be just wonderful, to be able to eliminate a broken heart? To never have to feel that particular type of pain?
That episode made me think of my own moment in time, where I would maybe, just maybe want to go back and do things differently, avoiding the empty void my heart still holds today. It was the late fall, and once I had decided to come home to Nebraska, I had to stand firm with that choice. I couldn't falter, I couldn't back down, no matter what my heart would be telling me. On that dark and sad evening I would say good bye to the one person who still holds an important part of me. Sometimes I look back and wonder, why didn't I hold on to him instead of allowing myself to just let go. Why I didn't I try harder to live the words I had spoken; fighting harder through the sickness and standing with him through the worse? Why couldn't I be strong enough to do that, strong enough to save him, to save me, for that matter to save us all?
I remember watching him that evening, as he walked away, head down, broken and defeated; alone. Why in that moment didn't I turn to Him and ask for help, for strength to help repair the damage that had occurred to us. To heal the sickness, to get us through the worse. When I think of this moment and as the tears still fall, I am reminded that it did take strength to do what I did, to NOT hang on, for myself to walk away alone, sacred and unsure of what lie ahead of us. To let go of all that I knew and step into the unknown in order to protect my children. Protect them from a life that could have easily put them in danger. To merely deal with holding together their fragile and broken hearts, and discovering the Heavenly Father that was there for us all.
I did continue to have that strength, and I was able to open my heart to HIS love for me and my children. To be loved and included into a family that was not mine by origin, but mine by His guidance of where He placed me. To learn more about love and kindness and in time to heal.
So no, I didn't get to leap back in time to right my wrong; because it wasn't a wrong. It was just that moment of my life. A moment I was meant to go through, as difficult as it was; as heartbreaking... because it was already written, already planned by the Author of all things.
Everything that God brings us to, He will bring us through. I truly believe that. I hope that I show that I do, that my life is an open book (so to speak) of what He has written for me to live and to be. That as I share my heart, my hurts; people will also see the healing that has occurred. That it will be evident that my healing came from one place an one place alone.
I have shared often with people how my life has not been easy, but that I would not change a thing, because it is all a part of who I am today. My hurts make me stronger, and often more appreciative of the small miracles that occasionally occur in my life. Would I wish an easier life for my children, absolutely. Do I know that they understand and trust that God truly does provide, with out a doubt. So I guess the only leaping I want to do is into the arms of our Lord when He comes to take us home. Until then, I will just try to keep doing right, right here in this place and time.
