The information of the impending situation arrived through a phone call in late May and within days it was evident that things did not look good. I would spend another two weeks trying to find a solution, a saving grace. There was none. What was done was done, paperwork although misfiled, was just that -filed. No turning back the clocks, no do overs. Just a door being shut in our face, turning us away.
She did play summer ball, although each game was a bit more difficult as it brought her closer to the inevitable fact she would not be playing in the fall. I saw her give her all each and every game, the only senior most games; leading and encouraging the younger girls. I know her team and coach appreciated her. The team had success, including a District Championship. She had some amazing plays that weekend, especially that final championship game. It still brings tears to my eyes as I write these words today, because it was that afternoon I truly felt her pain and disappointment, knowing she would not be able to experience those sorts of moments in the fall with her high school team. She shared with me later that day, those same thoughts. She said with each play, she knew she would not be playing much longer; that she was almost done. The girls celebrated that afternoon small and mighty, young; but a solid team of girls who played hard and were then rewarded for their efforts. I can easily say it is one of my favorite moments of the summer of 2013. My daughter played one more weekend after that, but then chose to have her summer season finish a bit early as each and every game became harder and harder to be a part of. The fall came, the start of the high school season. I watched as my daughter attended each and every home game. Sitting in the stands, in a now supporting role. Cheering on her teammates that she should have instead been playing alongside. It hurt both our hearts, but God had a different plan.
That is the one thing I am so proud of my daughter for, her continued recognition of God's hand in the matter. I'm not going to say that she was instantly OK with this event occurring in her life, she wasn't - I wasn't. There were a lot of tears, many more than I ever saw I am sure. But I saw her display grace and confidence in something bigger than the disappointment. I saw and heard her rely on His Word, especially with what I will call a life verse for her, 2 Corth 5:7 For we live by faith, not by sight. She understands that He has a different plan for her that now involves something other than softball. I can only imagine what that might be when He gave her such passion and talent for the sport. She has always dreamed of playing college softball and an even bigger aspiration of playing in the Olympics one day. With no senior season, that dream has quietly dissolved, at least for the time being.
We all know the saying when God closes a door, He opens another. Another door was opened, one that allowed he to look into and pursue colleges she may have not looked at otherwise. We attended only one college visit and as we stepped away from the parking lot and headed to admissions something just began to fall into place. The more we saw, the more we heard; it became quickly evident that we were where she was supposed to be. Kansas State University is a very large campus, but oh so beautiful. It gave both my daughter and I a sense of "home". It felt like being in our small home town that she had spent most all of her life growing up in, making it more comfortable; a perfect fit. Her desire to become a early elementary teacher was further ignited by the education department representatives that we were able to speak to. Everyone on the campus, including students just crossing our paths were friendly and kind. The best part of the visit was when we had the opportunity to visit with the Band Department and see the exciting things she would be a part of as a Marching Wildcat!
So life threw us, threw my child the ultimate curve ball. She could have become bitter, she could have stayed angry and threw a fit about the whole situation. I'm not saying she didn't say "why" and that it wasn't "fair". Because she did, and no, it wasn't fair. What I want to share, what I want people to understand is that she moved forward, with a quiet grace and confidence that was only obtained by her own solid relationship and trust in the loving God who guides our family's lives. Throughout her high school life, she has occasionally shared with me things she has written for a school paper. Quite often she talks about her life, our lives and how she has known from a young age that if you rely on and trust God, anything is possible. Each time I have read something where she speaks those words, those ideas; my heart just swells with love, pride, and joy.
My biggest goal in my adult life has been only one thing; to ensure that my children have a better life than I had. I have always wanted them to have the tools they needed to excel in their lives. I want them to know that they can go after their dreams, without reservation or fear. I want them to without a doubt, confidentially know that they can be happy in all circumstances. We had a rough start, four kids being raised by a single mom for close to two decades; the first 5-6 years were dark and angry, filled with resentment, fear and sadness. But then the healing began and the darkness was replaced with His Light and Presence. We still had hard moments, rough spots in our lives, but we were able to get through them. I learned to trust again, thus teaching my children the same. I was given grace and could then extend the same to my children as well. Most importantly I was privileged to see each of them develop their own relationship with Christ and in doing so I was given the quiet assurance that they would be OK as they walked out my door into the world we are still asked to call our home.
In 90 days, these past 90 will be a somewhat distant memory and in 90 more, nearly forgotten as we prepare to celebrate another family milestone as I watch my third child walk across a stage and receive her high school diploma. Allowing us to celebrate her and who she has become. And in yet another 90 days after that she will be stepping onto the KSU campus, beginning the next part of her life. Firmly grounded in her own faith and trust that God helped me to teach not only to her, but to her siblings as well.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
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