I Love You regardless...

I LOVE YOU regardless of how well you are performing.  Sometimes you feel uneasy, wondering if you are doing enough to be worthy of My Love.  No matter how exemplary your behavior, the answer to that question will always be no.  your performance and My Love are totally different issues, which you need to sort out. I love you with an everlasting Love that flows out from eternity without limits or conditions.  I have clothed you in My robe of righteousness, and this is an eternal transaction:  Nothing and no one can reverse it.  Therefore,  your accomplishment as a Christian  has no bearing on My Love for you.  Even your ability to assess how well you are doing on a given day is flawed.  Your limited human perspective and the condition of your body, with its mercurial variations, distort your evaluations.

Bring your performance anxiety to Me, and receive in its place My unfailing Love.  Try to stay conscious of My loving Presence with you in all that you do, and I will direct your steps. ~ Jesus Calling

What a wonderful thought, knowing that God loves us no matter what. I taught my children that as well as my SS students. God does love us no matter what we do. We may do something that disappoints Him, but he never stops loving us. He gives us the tools to do what is right, to be good and kind and is most pleased when we do those things out of habit and character and not obligation. He is most pleased we we do something that could be considered "good" or "righteous" without boasting, or looking for acknowledgment. He wants us to do those things, on a daily basis even. He just wants us to do them without thinking about a reward of some sort. If we are doing things out of love and genuine kindness on a daily basis, when we do those things with Him in mind, we shine as an extension of His light. The word says we are made in His likeness, we are clothed in His righteousness. So, if we call ourselves a Christian, a Child of God and we behave in a certain way that is not what would be Christ-like, then what are we showing the world.

I was teaching my SS class just this past Sunday, I teach 1st-3rd graders and we were talking about how we are treat others. I told them about the bracelets my own kids used to wear WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) as well as many adults. I explained  what the letters meant and although they thought it was a pretty neat idea, they had never seen one. Perhaps, we need to dig through our closets and drawers and see if we still have one or two lying around. Im sure they would be easy enough to make/sell again. What would your day look like if you wore a WWJD bracelet for just a week, and when those tough moments came along, you stopped and thought about that question... WWJD?

As I sit here on the morning after his death, awaiting his resurrection on Easter morning, I am very soberly reminded of what He did, for you, me, the entire world. His death on the cross isn't easy to understand or envision. But with His great sacrifice of self, we have been saved from so much despair and ugliness that will come with living a life without know Him as our Savior, with dying and not having declared His as the Savior of our heart. It's never to late to pick up our lives and change, to do what;s right, to be like Jesus. To simply ask for forgiveness... Look at the thief on the cross, he was dying. Dying, and yet he spoke to our Savior and asked to be forgiven. And in one of the last things He would do before His death, Jesus forgave this man, this common thief and promised to him that he would live in the paradise that Jesus Himself was going to. How amazing is that? I have had an odd sort of connection to that part of the story for years now, as one Easter I played that thief's sister in a drama that was performed at the church I was attending. It has been years, but one of the lines was something like: "He forgave him and told him he would live in paradise with Him, my brother has been saved." It just opened a very pivotal part of the story that a lot of people may not be aware of. We know the basics (which are great) He was murdered, buried and rose back to life. But the moments like these with this common thief, or Joseph, friend of Nicodemus asking for His Lord's body, so that he could give Him a proper burial. As most well know, Nicodemus, as well as Joseph had not known Jesus as Savior for very long, yet He had impacted their lives and they were in significant pain while they mourned.

What joy and happiness, as well as triumph must have been experienced by the disciples and friends of our Lord upon learning of His resurrection! I'm sure the words of the Bible don't really hold justice to the emotions that must have spilled out from them that day. Imagine getting a few more moments with someone you love, what would you do? What would you say? Those men and women had 40 days, to listen and soak up all that Jesus had to share with them, to teach them about His Father and what they were meant to do after he left. Building the early churches, speaking to others about actually having know Christ, to call him friend. I realize we too, can call Jesus friend. Oh, but to be a disciple, or Mary or Martha, or some of the other few people who were directly involved with Him when He walked this earth... those are the people I want to sit with in Heaven and talk to and ask them hundreds of questions. As I type this, I chuckle to myself because I have heard a time or two, that we can have all these questions we want to ask when we arrive in Heaven, people we may want to talk to, loved ones we will be oh so excited to see. Yet, the glory of it all, the true majesty that Heaven will be... we will forget, those things won't even matter. We will simply be able to begin our life of eternity with the Living God whom we have faithfully served while walking the earth.

So I leave you with this simple prayer:

Lord, we thank you so much for loving us unconditionally, for covering us with your light and love, allowing us to shine for all to see. May your goodness, kindness and righteous be seen in us by all those around us. And as we walk through each day, tempted and given tough choices to make, may we turn to you for guidance, may we take that half a second to think... WWJD? Thank you for being the ultimate gift and sacrificing yourself by dying on the cross. Thank you Lord for rising again so that we can serve you as our living God.  Amen

1 Peter 5:7-8a

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind.

Oh, how I needed these words this week. After having a really awesome and #empowered first week I got attacked by the enemy and boy did he knocked me for a loop. I had fully intended joining the blog hop this week in celebration of what week one had been for me. Then Monday’s attack came and I was in for a spiritual fight as I let old demons control my thoughts.

I have been a single mom for nearly 18 years and have known the Lord since I was a small child, but it wasn’t until just over a decade ago I truly dedicated my life to having a relationship with Him. This verse is one I have turned to many times.

“Cast your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” and believe me, being a single mom of 4 children is something that can cause a lot of anxiety! Once I learned to give Him those anxious moments, the worries that consumed me, then my days were better. Not always perfect, but at least I got through them, one day; often one moment at a time. In those early years I learned to stop, even if it was in the middle of the day, wherever I may have been and call out to Him in prayer, asking for His guidance, love, grace, and sometimes protection. So once again, that’s what I did Monday night, I prayed, I asked you to pray with me. I needed my spirit calmed so I could process the information I had been given, try to rest, to sleep even. And I did, I give full credit of that fact to our loving God and I am thankful for this new community of women who are most certainly like myself - prayer warriors; fighting similar battles, as well as celebrating triumphs too.

“Be alert” This makes me chuckle just a bit, when I was in high school there was this guy who would always say, “be a lert, the world needs more lerts” J So the word in itself generally brings a smile to my face. But, in all seriousness it is sometimes really difficult to be alert to Him and His calling for me. I often find myself straining to hear His wee small voice, trying to ensure I am living each day according to His will for me. I am often asking Him to guide me along the path He needs me to travel, to take me where I can be best used for His glory. I do the same for my children; I pray that He will speak to them and that they will hear Him and respond accordingly, with full alertness to His Presence in their lives. It’s not always easy to do, at least not for me; my humanness gets the best of me. I fall into old habits and patterns or just get stuck, unable to move forward into His light. I felt that way this past week, I felt disconnected, certainly not alert to what I know He was trying to say to me.

“of sober mind” This phrase has duel meaning for me. As a recovering alcoholic I have learned that you can “not drink” thus being sober; however you can still have the mind of a drunk and for years I most certainly did. Today, having a sober mind means keeping it as clear as I can from the clutter of this world. Free from the chaos around me and most certainly form the lies of the enemy. It means being able to have a clear connection to the Holy Spirit. Monday I got disconnected and stayed that way for the rest of the week. Running circles in my mind, going nowhere except deeper into the pit of worry and fear. Those old demons were laughing and dancing around me. I read through my chapters Thursday night, not noting anything at the time. I just needed to let the words soak in. Today I have gone back to them and their words were able to truly speak to me. 

So as I restart this journey of not craving the foods that make me feel like crud, and craving the God who has healed me once before, I look to Him for wisdom and directing; also asking Him to teach me self control. I realize, perhaps remember is a better word, that God doesn't expect us to get it the first time and He doesn't get angry if we ask for His help a second, third or even forth time, He is happy that we are asking, because if we are asking then we are taking the time to be connected to him, staying sober and alert to His direction for us. 

We all have a past, a list of things that could define us, but God graciously made that list His own when He sent His Son to die for us. We are forgiven, we are set-free, we are accepted, we are holy, we are made new, we are loved, we are close to Him, we are confident, we are victorious; we are healed of all the damage that has been a part of our lives, including that which is self inflicted. So may we not only by our actions but by our hearts, position ourselves to Him. Allow ourselves to come to Him, even if we feel broken, because He created us in His image and even broken, we are beautiful to Him.

So... though I did not start this week #determined I will most certainly end it in that manner. #Determined to take this new found revelation of my needing to be accountable to myself and doing just that, becoming accountable to me. This will be huge, because when I eat, I feel bad, then I'm depressed and then I sit and I don't do anything and my house goes to pot... very quickly I might add. When I'm in a better place, feeling healthy and actually have energy, things get done. My house is cluttered, but clean. I am #determined to stay alert to Him this coming week, keeping my mind and my heart open to craving our glorious God.

Hello My Name Is...

 Such a simple sentence but on one particular night, it became a powerful stepping stone towards me regaining my life. 

"My name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic" 

I still remember the first time I said it, how terrified I was to utter those words, to admit to such a fault, but I also remember the sudden and overwhelming relief I felt, my secret was no longer my own. Still a secret of sorts, held inside the anonymity of the four walls I sat within; but I no longer had to deal with it on my own. By stepping through that door, I surrounded myself with people who were like me and for the first time in years, I didn't feel different. I was part of something, I felt included.

I dove in head first, experiencing a new sort of high, my new addiction was my sobriety. They recommend 90 meetings in 90 days when you are in early recovery, and thanks to an almost daily noon meeting, 3 evening meetings every week and taking advantage of technology I attended numerous online meetings as well, thus achieving far more than 90 meetings those first 90 days. I couldn't get enough, surrounding myself with "like" people, people who understood my pain, had experienced it too. It felt good, and after fighting depression for decades I wanted to feel better and hopefully stay that way. It was within those walls, surrounded by new friends who spoke regularly about their own "higher power" I remembered who my higher power was and I took Him off the shelf.

Sometimes when people who know God become angry and walk away from Him, they don't really leave Him. They actually just set Him aside, perhaps putting Him away in a proverbial "box" and placing it on a shelf. A shelf that they can have easy access to, when they feel desperate enough to call out to Him. Then when they are knee deep in trouble of their own doing, they call out to Him, begging Him to fix it; to get them out of the mess that they have gotten themselves into. I did it, I would be in way over my head and tearfully promise to not make that particular mistake again. So with me begging and pleading, He would answer my half-felt prayer and I would soon make that same mistake again.  

It was in those rooms, surrounded by different likenesses of me, I realized that God had stayed with me, even though I had been running from Him. That He not only answered my prayers, but quiet often saved me from the worst things imaginable. It was in those rooms, that I realized I needed God more than ever. And in finding God again, I also knew I needed more. So treatment became the next step I needed to take, but as a single-mom and the sole caregiver to my young children I couldn't bare being separated from them for 30 days, let alone the fact there was no one to take care of them. So I attended Out-Patient Treatment, treatment that took me 15 months to complete. Treatment with a counselor I was going to "trade-in" on day one. I was even a little bit angry at God for placing this person in my life, asking why? Today I am so very thankful for a man named Chuck, and how he helped me to get where I needed to be; sober and healthy and whole again. And for giving me the tools of how to stay that way. Then about 18 months into my sobriety, I found my church family, surrounding myself with more people to help me on my path to healing.

That was ten years ago, a full decade has passed. I have grown and learned how to be a better person. I surrounded myself with people who love the Lord, who encouraged and supported me, I have been able to build a much better life for myself and my children. One filled with happiness, laughter and love. It was tough, and I had my moments where I wanted to throw in the towel, better yet sit my butt on a bar stool and grab a drink or two, (or twenty). But I didn't, because I had a new foundation to stand on, or when need be, to fall back on. One that was God-centered and I knew if I just gave it to Him, whatever the problem was, things would be OK. Maybe not right away, God's timing being what it is sometimes; but my sobriety through God gave me a sense of calm that I still can't really explain. I can merely trust that He has it. I also have faith in what His Word tells me; that He has already written my story, every word, every sentence, all before I took my very first breath. He knows the ending, and if I trust in what He has done by giving us His son to die for our sins, my sins; then there is only one ending that matters, Eternity with Him. 

Over the years people have asked me how I do it, especially in the early years when all the kids were still so small. Time and again they would say "I don't know how you do it" I would just smile and either look up or point to the heavens, always giving God the credit. I did not do it on my own and I truly could not have survived without Him. To this day, I know that God took care of us and that He still does. We have never gone without anything we need; a roof over our heads, heat in the winter, AC in the summer, food to eat and clothes on our backs. I always had some sort of transportation, He truly is the great provider, He cares for us all. 

So now, as I celebrate this milestone I just want to take a moment to thank the people who helped me to get here.To those people who encouraged me, supported me and helped me to see a different person. A person who was bigger and better than her past. To look in the mirror and love the person that I see. Without you all, I would still be lost and alone. I wanted to try and list all your names, but I didn't want to overlook anyone. I know you know who you are, and how much you mean to me. It is through many of you that I have learned the true meaning of unconditional love, that family is more than blood or a name. God brought each and every one of you into my life, just when I needed you the most. 

Lastly, I want to thank my children for not giving up on a mom who was all sorts of crazy at times. For forgiving my mistakes and learning with me on how to become a healthy family, on how to love and forgive. How to laugh with one another and cry if need to. To be there, no matter what. I am so proud of all of you, and to see you achieve in your lives, to do things I only dreamed of - to see you have those moments, makes my heart soar with love, happiness and pride. Once upon a time, when my disease had the best of me, I thought I was a bad mom. But once I started getting healthy, only through my sobriety did I realized that I am a good mom. God entrusted me with all four of you - amazing kids who allowed me to be a mom, your mom. My greatest accomplishment in life next to getting sober, is to be your mother. Nothing else I do will ever come close. I love you bunches! 

90 Days of Grace

I've waited 90 days to write this, 90 days to express my anger, frustration, and sorrow. 90 days to share what an amazing young woman my daughter has become; correction, is. It was very quiet this fall in our household, too quiet. The quietness came about because the activity that would have had us on the go, per usual; was silenced. My daughter is a softball player, an amazing and talented one at that. But due to a series of unfortunate events, she was not allowed to play this fall. Here it was her senior season and she could not play the game she loves and was born to play. It was devastating, to say the least.

The information of the impending situation arrived through a phone call in late May and within days it was evident that things did not look good. I would spend another two weeks trying to find a solution, a saving grace. There was none. What was done was done, paperwork although misfiled, was just that -filed. No turning back the clocks, no do overs. Just a door being shut in our face, turning us away.

She did play summer ball, although each game was a bit more difficult as it brought her closer to the inevitable fact she would not be playing in the fall. I saw her give her all each and every game, the only senior most games; leading and encouraging the younger girls. I know her team and coach appreciated her. The team had success, including a District Championship. She had some amazing plays that weekend, especially that final championship game. It still brings tears to my eyes as I write these words today, because it was that afternoon I truly felt her pain and disappointment, knowing she would not be able to experience those sorts of moments in the fall with her high school team. She shared with me later that day, those same thoughts. She said with each play, she knew she would not be playing much longer; that she was almost done. The girls celebrated that afternoon small and mighty, young; but a solid team of girls who played hard and were then rewarded for their efforts. I can easily say it is one of my favorite moments of the summer of 2013. My daughter played one more weekend after that, but then chose to have her summer season finish a bit early as each and every game became harder and harder to be a part of. The fall came, the start of the high school season. I watched as my daughter attended each and every home game. Sitting in the stands, in a now supporting role. Cheering on her teammates that she should have instead been playing alongside. It hurt both our hearts, but God had a different plan.

With His Help, I Can Cope

SIT QUIETLY WITH ME, letting my fears and worries bubble up to the surface of your consciousness. There, in the Light of My Presence  the bubbles pop and disappear. However, some fears surface over and over again, especially fear of teh future. You tend to project yourself mentally into the next day, week, month, your decade; and you visualize yourself coping badly in those times. What you are seeing is a false image, because it doesn't include Me. Those gloomy times that you imagine will not come to pass, since My Presence will be with you at all times.

When a future-oriented worry assails you, capture it and disarm it by suffusing the Light of My Presence into the mental image. Say to yourself, "Jesus will be with me then and there. With His help, I can cope!" Then, come home to the present moment, where you can enjoy Peace in My Presence.  ~Jesus Calling (Nov 9)

Luke 12:22-26, Deuteronomy 31:6, 2 Corinthians 10:5

It's hard to not think about the future. And if you are used to hard times, perhaps bad habits from before you truly knew the Lord, looking forward to the future is filled with continued darkness and hard times. But as this says; all those images are false, they are not what will be, for today, tomorrow and always we will be in the company of our loving Lord. He is not saying hard times won't come, that bad things will miss us because we are His. He is saying that we will get through, He will help us get through by giving us the needed strength, wrapping us in His Comfort, protecting us from the strongest blows. He is always going to be beside us, often carrying us when we are just unable to take another step. There have been many times that someone has said to me, "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't do what you do." I smile, most often look up to the heavens and say "God, I would not be able to get through any of this without Him."

I asked Christ into my life when I was 11, and it was just that I understood what he did (for the most part) and I certainly needed a "friend" so I prayed with a counselor at camp and immediately felt a difference, some simple form of hope filled me, giving me momentary strength and courage to go through a given day.  A year later the enemy decided to wreck havoc on my life and I became fearful and unbelieving. How could a God who is loving and there for me, allow the terrible things that were happening in my life. I prayed, I begged God to change the circumstances but it didn't happen. Not quite a decade later, I just walked away. I was broken from years of abuse and I believed the lies of the enemy, and gave up on this "loving God" that had been shared with me those years ago. I made bad choices, terrible choices with my life. I endangered my life with many of those choices. But I am here to tell you that when you accept the truth of who Christ is, what He did for you on that cross. He becomes a part of your life, His Spirit a part of your soul; He isn't gone, no matter how far away you try to get, how much you push away. He is there, watching over you, protecting you; waiting for you, to choose to come home.

I did finally make that choice, I remembered who He was, is and will always be. I understood that He was protecting me all those years ago, for it could have been so much worse. Even when I was living a life so far from Him and making terribly unsafe choices, He continued to watch over me, this rebel child; a true prodigal daughter if you will. Then when I had had enough of Satan's lies, and headed back towards Him,  He opened His arms to me and welcomed me home. I was overwhelmed those first few months, I had done so many horrible things,yet I was being told and understood that He loved me, that He forgave me of each and everything.

Don't give up, don't be angry when life is harder or doesn't seem to be going your way. Trust and have faith that He is right there with you, this moment is just that, a moment; don't forget in trusting your life to Him, You have all eternity to look forward to. Lord forgive our human minds and thank you for loving us and taking care of us, always. Amen

The Love and Light, Peace and Joy of His Presence

I Am The Eternal I Am; I always have been, and I always will be.  In My Presence you experience Love and Light, Peace and Joy.  I am intimately involved in all your moments, and I am training you to be aware of Me at all times.  Your assignment is to collaborate with Me in this training process.

I have taken up residence within you; I am central in your innermost being.  Your mind goes off in tangents from its holy Center, time after time.  Do not be alarmed by your inability to remain focused on Me.  Simply bring your thoughts gently back to Me each time they wander.  The quickest way to redirect your mind to me is to whisper My Name. ~ Jesus Calling (Aug 25)

Exodus 3:14, 1 Corinthians 3:16, Psalm 25:14-15

As Christians we all know that Christ lives within us. How comforting for that reminder in the midst of struggles that we might be experiencing. To be reminded that He knows what those struggles are, that He knows what we want for an outcome in every situation. More importantly to be reminded that He knows what that outcome, His outcome is to be in each and every thing.

Its been a rough patch again these past couple months, a lot going on that was out of my control. Most of it I was able to let go of, at least I thought I was, and go forward through each day. However... I soon realized that maybe I wasn't giving up as much control that I thought. God made us in His image and created us to think, choose and allows us to be human. Human, being human is what gets me every time! Weather it be my mothering heart, concerned for my children or just everyday concerns like finances or making time to do what needs to be done. I often fail at making good choices, or the right choices at a given moment. It is sometimes easier to just sit and do nothing. Now when you sit and do nothing and take that time to connect with our Savior, then that's pretty good use of your time. That has not been me, not until recently that is. Instead I was taking those quiet moments to just stop, stop and do nothing and then the results of nothing began to rear it's ugly head.

As I force (in the beginning I needed to) myself into that quiet time with God, instead of lazy time for me. I am finding myself coming back into a frame of mind that is lifted up with a quiet strength that I have only ever found in His presence, given by His Spirit. It keeps me afloat, keeps me moving forward and I have been awakened again. Its comforting to know how forgiving God is, even with repeat offences. I have so much I want to do, so much I need to do. I am just thankful that if I allow myself to stay connected to Him, to the guiding and teaching He places in my innermost thoughts, that I will know what to do first, what might need to wait and most importantly what doesn't need to be done at all.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me in my continued imperfection.When I forget that You and You alone are in control, Gently guide me back on course of the path already provided for me by You. The path that was written before I take a step, or even speak a word. Thank you for being the great I AM, for Moses, for myself and all those before and in between. Thank you for continuing to love us and for lifting us up in our trials that those who do not know you might see. Might see YOU in us, the light that shines through us when we allow it to. Then perhaps in seeing You, they might come to know You and have You be the guiding presence in their own lives too. I pray for the hurting, You know who they are. I ask that You give them comfort and grace, and strength to meet what they are facing, allow them to feel Your Presence and be reminded that they are not alone. Amen.

When Sacrifice Means Letting Go, Not Giving Up

I can't recall when I actually started participating in the observation of Lent, and to be honest I don't believe that I was actually active in any church at the time. But somewhere along the road I did, and I shared the activity with my children. But as the years have passed, it gets harder to find something that is truly a sacrifice to give up or you just end up repeating what you have done a year or two before and it just really doesn't have the same meaning. Especially when I did get involved in a church, and did truly understand the true sacrifice Jesus Christ paid for me. It was then that giving up coffee, chocolate or even Facebook just didn't seem as worthy. Please don't think that I believe doing any of these things is unworthy, I just am feeling led in a new direction. And until just last year, I did each of these things I have mentioned, and I am hopeful that God smiled down on my attempts. However, it has been the past couple years where I have changed my focus and am following a new approach to this time of year. 

I started trying to give more of my time to the Lord, for example; by reading more of His word. Spending real time attempting to study and understand this wonderful letter of love He has given to us.  I also wanted to be giving more of my time and making efforts to be truly kind to others, to go beyond the surface and perhaps look for someone who is in emotional or spiritual need. I didn't fail miserably last year, but I knew I could do better. This year I wanted and needed to do better, my heart was aching for change. 

It was just one day into the Lenten season when I wrote my last entry. What a change nearly 28 days has been and where God is leading my heart. This year is not so much the number of who's I might be able to reach out to but a singular who that I really need to be doing just that to, and more. I have often spoke of my dysfunctional upbringing and that left me with a lot of unwanted and ultimately damaged baggage. Some of that baggage can be left along the way, some of it is still necessary and you merely have to repair it and continue carrying it along life's path. Some relationships are just that sort of baggage. You can set them down and walk away at a moment when you feel it is the best thing to do, the healthy thing to do. And in most cases, that's where it all ends. You move forward a little lighter than before, experienced, but life goes on. I have recently discovered though, that I may have tried to discard one of those pieces that merely just needed/needs repair.

Please don't think I'm cold and heartless for calling a relationship, a person,  a piece of baggage. But I believe a tangible object is sometimes necessary when trying to understand certain types of relationships, and how they function (or sometimes, not function). There are a good number of people in my life I have had to walk away from,  just like leaving behind a piece of unwanted baggage or box of unwanted things. Most of those time, what was left behind needs to be just that, left behind. God gives us the strength to move forward and leads us to places where new relationships can be formed and sometimes those new relationships can ease the pain from the past, allowing the healing process to begin. On occasion you not only miss that familiar and tattered bag, but you realize it also contains something you need, perhaps you thought it was lost and then realized not at all, it's just back there in that place you walked away from. 

As I mentioned, I was the one who walked away, closed the door, severed the ties in the relationship with my mom. It was what I truly believed to be in the best interest of all involved at the time, and looking back I would still do the same thing. In that moment, it was the only sane and safe choice I knew how to make. It was the second hardest choice I have made to date, in my life. I am learning that even a choice made partially out of anger, but mostly from fear and uncertainty, can be changed. I have learned that time may not heal all wounds, but that God heals all hearts, if we let Him. I learned that life is too short to still be angry about things that can't be changed and most often occurred out of our personal control. I have learned, that there are moments in life, moments meant to be shared by everyone and we can't let ourselves be blinded by the ugliness of emotions that only the Evil one is responsible for placing in our line of sight.

I'm hoping that I didn't realize this all too late, that I didn't blow the chance to be able to duct tape the heck out of a bag that I helped to kick around, contributing to it arriving in the battered condition it is in. That my gestures are perceived as true and hopeful, perhaps even hope-filled. My wish would be that we can move forward, without looking back. Acknowledge things yes, but to not dwell on that beat up and battered bag that represents a handful of moments in time. To know that we still want to have it around, to repair it so that we can add new memories to store inside it. Possibly even replacing the ones that may have been missed. But knowing (and praising the fact) that God loves us just as we are, after all He made us; in His likeness for that matter. We can't be all that bad, even at our worse, especially if we truly know Him and believe in Him, and trust in what His Son did for us on the cross.

Sacrifice. True Sacrifice. Christ didn't give up. Yes, He did ask for a different path, a different cup. But then, He said, "Thy will, not mine" and then He let go, let go of this life on earth, and  in doing so, taking on all our pain and suffering; most often self inflicted by the sinful nature of who we are as mere humans. He just did, He bore our sins, the ultimate sacrifice. The spotless and perfect lamb, dying for us. Even His last words, "Father, forgive them". How do we deserve that, how do I deserve that? I hope that on that day when I meet Him face to face, I am not so overwhelmed by the glory of it all that I fail to say Thank You Lord, I didn't deserve it. Thank you for your sacrifice and forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me, guiding me to do the same, forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

A post Valentines thought...

Isn't it funny how one certain voice, or a simple sentence can turn a seemingly ordinary day, upside down?  Can take you from joyful to despair in mere seconds? I received a phone call last night that sent me into a just such a situation. After a quiet and somewhat uneventful Valentine's day, I couldn't imagine it ending on such a chaotic and heart-breaking note. Yet, it most certainly did.

Actually, there were two calls, the first coming earlier in the evening, but I didn't answer because It had been such a long time since I spoke with this person, that I didn't know where to expect the conversation to go. My youngest was still up and I didn't want to spoil her day or upset her. A phone call with this person can get quiet emotional and my scars are deep, not to mention there was a fresh wound I was still trying to heal. So I waited, and after I tucked my daughter in and we said our prayers, with some hesitation I called my mother back.

The call started simply enough with a thank you for my gesture. I had sent a New Years Card (LATE) (mind you this one along with three or four others got buried on the mass of papers on my table-top.) with wonderful pics of my family from this summer's wedding. I thought it would be a nice Valentines card as well. However, I was reminded that the wedding was months ago and they certainly would have liked to seen pictures sooner. I apologized, but really didn't know how to express the disappointment I felt because she and my stepfather had been invited the the wedding and that they had chosen not to come. My mother then shared with me a piece of unrelated and wonderful news, well, it should have been wonderful. However it was tainted with the fact that the original news had been omitted.

It was in this moment that my mother told me she was cancer free. Cancer Free!  And had been so for just over a year. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, the tears came uncontrollably because I was just now learning that my mom had cancer! Praise God, she was healed and healthy and doing well, but she had been diagnosed with cancer and this was the first moment she thought about giving me this information. I asked her, why she hadn't told me before. She said she knew I had a lot going on, with Carrie having been so ill and then the wedding, she didn't want to bother me with it. She explained that she had her first surgery just after the wedding, and in my head it made sense why they had not been there. I even said, so that makes sense why you didn't come to the wedding. I was quickly informed that that was not the reason, they felt they received the invite late, that they were an afterthought and that we really didn't want them there. Another crushing blow! I reminded her that Carrie had been ill, and that all the invites were sent later than planned. But that we sent it because we realized life is too short and that all of our family should be a part of this wonderful day. 

Keep in mind, this is a part of the dysfunctional family I grew up in. I also have to reveal that a little over two years ago, because of a volatile phone conversation, I severed all ties and stopped communicating with my mom, asking her to respect my wishes as our relationship was just too toxic and unhealthy, not only for myself but for my children as well.  And she did, she has sent cards at Christmas and birthdays (which we did not respond to, right or wrong), but she respected my wishes and things hurt a lot less because no one was disappointed by broken promises or wishful thinking. Old wounds began to heal, instead of salt being poured into them over and over again. Maybe I was being an overprotective mother, but I was not about to allow that old dysfunctional cycle to creep its way back into our existence. It was not going to happen. 

So for the next hour, through 3 mirrored conversations, we hashed and rehashed what has been going on between us. I tried to answer her questions, I don't know that she really truly heard me. I don't think anything was ever really answered, let alone resolved; a part of me doesn't know if it ever will. She thinks I blame her for all of our differences. I repeatedly told her I do not blame her, that I have made the choices I have made, both good and bad, on my own, for myself and my children. Without it being too hurtful, I tried to explain that most of often, our visits or time spent together are toxic, that I actually become physically ill after spending time together because it is generally spent arguing or pretending everything is OK. I grew up hiding my feelings, hiding all the ugliness and dysfunction. It made me ill then and it is something I will no longer do. I can't. So, for my health and sanity and that of my children, I have chosen the path I am on.  A path that separates us from what is more often than not. From what is not patient,  but is sometimes unkind, not humble, is often hopeless, and can be untruthful and not endearing. Instead that path is something that is only hurtful, angry, toxic and unforgiving.  

I know the God who breathed the words of 1 Corinthians 13 wants those words to be truth for the both of us, and that hopefully we can find the truth of those words, together. Verse 13 states: 
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

For me, I will cling to the hope and hold firm to my faith that God's love will indeed save us all. I pray for my family, for my distanced family. That we might find God's love, and the greatness of its power to heal all things, to bring peace and comfort to a place where it has never really been known. To have victory over the darkness that once was our lives. To shine like the Son.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

Breaking the Cycle - Out of the Darkness into His Light

I was talking with my oldest daughter this evening, she was writing a paper about drugs and alcohol and the behaviors that are often acted upon or associated with in such situations. She asked me a few questions about my own past, my abusive childhood, including the circumstances that most certainly led up to my own battle with addiction. I have to smile because as she would ask me a question, she would immediately say she was sorry and that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to, if it was too hard. I told her it was OK, that it didn't bother me any more, to talk about it that is. In fact I want to talk about it, whenever someone asks, because if I can tell my story and help someone, even just one person, then I have done the right thing. 

In recent years as I have watched my oldest children continue to move forward in their lives, and doing so in a good and positive manner. I am pleased to see them excelling at school, activities, and at life itself, I am blessed to know that with God, change has finally occurred. The cycle has been broken. Even before I trusted my daily life to God, the one thing I always told myself is that I would not raise my children in the manner in which I was raised, that I would give them different, and hopefully better. I am here to tell you that until I asked for God's daily guidance I was not doing a very good job of what I professed my parenting goal to be. But I can also tell you that I tried.

I understand now that it is hard to give better, when you don't believe you deserve better. My self worth was in the toilet and as I continued bad habits and a sometimes harmful lifestyle I was doing nothing but running around in circles; occasionally falling on my butt and at the worst of times into the darkness of some proverbial pit. I kept replaying the same old scenario over and over again like a broken record.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I lived in such insanity, you could even say I was it's queen. 

During all that craziness, I remembered God, but I had never understood that I could depend on Him, ask Him for help, guidance, comfort, any of that. The God I thought I knew let horrific things happen to me, He couldn't possibly care about me if He had allowed my life to have been what it was to that point. I would eventually learn and understand that He was there through it all, protecting me from much worse. He kept me alive, even though I thought I could never amount to anything, He had bigger plans for me. I often state when I share my testimony; my story, that I should have been dead on more than one occasion because of my reckless actions and behavior. Yet, here I am, alive and well and raising a family, on my own but with a strength I could not have ever imagined myself having. God is pretty awesome that way. Here I was, this angry, bitter woman, a single mom, who He still wanted to use for something bigger than myself.

My three oldest children were 5, 7 and 8 when I discovered I was pregnant with my youngest child. I cried, sat there in the doctors office and wept. I had no clue what I was going to do, I was barely able to raise the three children I had, how on earth was I going to raise four! This pregnancy had occurred due to what would be my last drinking binge, 4 days of "partying" that included a one night stand. I knew abortion was not an option for me, but I was so unsure. So I contemplated adoption, He had other plans. I started having some complications and ended up having to cut back at work which gave me more time at home, more time to think, and listen to the wee small voice of God.

As those of you who know me know, I have four beautiful children and can't imagine my life, our lives without my youngest daughter. It was still rough, but by this time God and I were finally on better terms and I started looking to Him more and more. Even though I wasn't actively drinking,I was a mess and what people in 12-Step circles call a "dry drunk". I was miserable and made everyone around me the same. I was still in nursing, and earned a supervisor position on the graveyard shift. My disrupted sleep pattern didn't help my mental state and I lived in a very dark place for a long time. I severely injured my back and fell into a deeper depression. God still had better plans for me.

On Jan 10, 2004 I walked into my first AA meeting, spoke those ever faithful words, "Hi, my name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic". That truly was the first day of the rest of my life. On that night, finally, my life started to change. I did more than the 90 meetings in 90 days that is recommended as I became intoxicated over how I felt when I was in those rooms. I finally found a place where I fit in, where I wasn't the outcast; somewhere I actually belonged. A place I could just be myself, no masks, no make believe. It's hard for me to remember if it was before or just after my 90 day mark, but I knew I needed more than what the meetings were doing for me, so I looked into treatment. I knew I couldn't bare the thought of being away from my kids for 30 days, let alone who would have cared for them. So I enrolled in an Out-Patient program that would end up lasting 15 months. It was through treatment and a counselor I almost asked to be replaced that I started healing. It was through treatment that I realized how much I needed God, wanted God and when I started making room for Him in my daily life.

It was also in those last couple months of treatment that God led me to my church family. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly express what so many of these people really mean to me. From the moment I walked in to their church with my four kids, they showed unconditional love. Through trials they supported and encouraged, and just loved me. Something I was not at all accustomed to. They invited me in, to be a part of something different, something bigger than anything I had ever been a part of before. They celebrated with me, cried with me and helped me to continue raising my children, always showing such Christ-like love and understanding. They gave me a place to fit in, to be involved. Today my family's schedule often revolves around activities at our church. 

All of my children have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that is truly one of the biggest accomplishments I want know as their parent. That I led them to Him, that I taught them, with the help of others, through God Himself; the seeds were not only planted but fed and watered and encouraged to grow. One of my most favorite things is when we are all in the van together and listening to Christian radio and we can all sing, I mean really SING together, just praising our Lord with song. Sometimes when we are in church it gives me goose bumps and often causes tears to swell up in my eyes, as I hear their voices really speaking the words that they know to be true. To see His light in each of my children by their actions and deeds, is another wonderful blessing.

So yes, the cycle has been broken. The pain is over, it has ended, it is finished. It is all of those things and more, because He took it from me, He bore my pain; both self-inflicted and not. He bore it all on the cross, all those years ago. And then He died and rose again that we might know peace, the kind of peace we will only find in eternity with Him. I used to read Job a lot, as I struggled and felt like God kept throwing all the crappy stuff my way. And I hope like Job, that even through the trials, even through the things that make me ask "What are you trying to teach me now Lord" that I never again loose faith. That I trust, that I believe just as it says in His word, "I can do all things".

Job 42:2  I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Narrow Path

I wrote this a few years ago, I was really struggling but I wanted God to know that I wasn't going to give up. I would trust, I would have faith. Because it was by this time He had really shown me what a loving and caring God He truly was. I couldn't go back to any of my old ways of being or thinking for that matter.

It sat in a notebook for a very long time and then somewhere along the way, it evolved from a poem to a song that I would just lift up to Him at times of trial and misunderstanding. I needed Him to hear my heart, so I gave Him this psalm, my gift of faith and trust to Him.

Two or three years ago, with the help of a very talented young woman, it finally had music to go with it. I still remember the first time she played the accompaniment, I was shocked, in utter disbelief! Even though I never knew what the music was supposed to sound like, when she played it; I knew it was what the music was supposed to sound like. It was perfect! We soon shared it one morning at church and it was such a wonderful feeling to lift praises to Him and share it with other believers, especially my very own church family.

Tonight, as the election winds to an end, and after seeing what seems to be inevitable - reading so many post on facebook about how its all over and we are basically (pardon me) screwed... I just felt a sense of sadness. A quiet sadness that I used to get and is a lot of what stirred me to write this poem, this psalm.

For those of us who are God fearing - know the end of the story, Christians; what's wrong with us?
Myself included, I can get caught up in all the ugly the next four years most likely will hold, but I would rather get caught up in what comes after that, or during it for that matter. I would rather set might eyes on what His Word tells me to be true, He knows the end of the story. He knew the outcome of this story before a single vote was cast. Remember, it is HIStory. He holds it all in His mighty hands. He holds us all in those same mighty, yet loving hands. I have faith and trust in that. I will praise Him for that, until He takes me home.



I will praise You in the morning,
As the sun reaches across the sky.
I will praise You in the evening,
As the stars fill that same sky.
I will praise You - down on my knees.
I will praise You standing tall.
You are King of Kings,
You are Lord of Lords,
You are Jesus, my One in All.

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made for me.

I will praise You in my sorrow time,
When darkness closes in.
I will praise You when I'm happy Lord,
Yes I will praise You with this song that I sing.
I will praise You till the end of time.
Yes, I will praise until eternity.
You are King of Kings,
You are Lord of Lords,
Here I am, have all of me.

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made for me.

The road may be long,
The path makes me weary,
But still I will stay.
Though I seem alone,
I know You are with me,
You are guiding my way

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made, for me.

16 Candles

The above title is oddly deceiving, because it actually represents what has not been seen. 

16 birthday cakes (times 3) 16 jack-o-lanterns (give or take) 16 Christmas trees. 
16 New Years Eves, staying up just late enough to utter those infamous words and bring in another new year that doesn't include you. More than 16 dozen valentines for a house filled with 3 little broken hearts. 
16 Easters and the only thing holding be together is that it didn't take God 16 days to raise His Son from the grave. 16 last days of school, followed by 16 summers of not camping because it hurts too much to be in that environment without you. 16 Fourth of Julys that I push myself through for my kids, because its still exciting and fun for them. It only reminds me of times with you that are no more, causing much more than 16 minutes of tears.

Now lets look at the smaller numbers.
3 talented athletes, with numerous achievements
3 talented musicians, again more accolades
1 Graduation, another on the horizon. And yet another to follow close behind.
1 Wedding, where you should have been the one at her side. 

And for nearly the first time in 16 years, I am angry at you. Truly angry, because your absence has caused so much silent anger and pain. So much turmoil, regret. Tonight I am once again reminded of 16 years of choices I have been  forced to make on my own, with more than 16 bad choices being made, I'm sure.  16 years of wondering why?

16,000 times I cried myself to sleep because I missed you so much my heart didn't just ache, it felt like it was closing in on itself and I could barley breathe. 16,000 times I wanted everything to just stop, all the noise, the pain, everything. 
16,001 times I found the strength to keep going, to move forward and live my life for and with my children. 16,001 times God remind me He is my husband, my lover and the Father of my children. 16,001 times I felt a sense of comfort I know is only found through Him and His Spirit being a part of me.

Im done counting candles for you, and I can't even stay angry for too long. All this - all 16 years of this, is a part of God's plan for me; already written and He knows where he is leading me, where He needs me to be, and He will take me there step by step. 

I have trust and faith in that.

Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me, were written in your book, before one of them came to be.

I Know Your Face

It has been months, seems like forever really since I have written. Every time I thought about it, had the desire to write, I was pulled away by someone or something; weather it be the kids, work, or my own sheer laziness - I just didn't allow myself to sit down and write. I did not allow myself opportunity to let the words escape from my brain and fall onto the keyboard and be transformed into the thoughts you now read on this page. Allowing for there to be a build-up of clutter and wandering thoughts with in the walls of my mind. There has been so much to write about these past few months and God has taught me some big and valuable lessons this summer - in fact He still is; and it is the most current of lessons that leads me to write tonight. 


We often say we know someone, know who they really are. But do we? Just what is it that we think we really know? Is anyone truly capable of knowing someone the way I believe only God does know us? As parents we hope we know our children, I hope and think that I do; but do I? Do I know what I want to know or see? Or do I merely know what they want me to know or see? What do their friends see when they look at them? What do their parents see when they watch, as they make choices both good and bad in their lives? What do they see in us? Especially when the choices are more on the bad side of things. The kind of choices that bring pain and suffering to those around them. Do they see a good kid making a bad choice? Or do they see a bad kid? How do they see us as parents? Do they think we didn't try hard enough, lacked authority, or just lost control? Or worse yet, just don't care? What do they see? Do they think they know us?


As I have shared many times before, I grew up in a very dysfunctional household and when all hell broke loose and everything hit the fan - I often wondered what people really thought? What did they say within the walls of their homes, behind the closed front door. Did they talk about thinking they knew me? Or my family for that matter? Did they try to solve the destruction that had become our lives? I doubt it, and from what my own mind allows me to recall, not too many people said much of anything. There were instead the occasional whispers, but most often there was a lack of eye contact; if people thought they knew me, they certainly didn't act like they wanted to know me.


I know what your going through. Or better yet, I know how you feel. These are great sentiments, but often they are said by someone who doesn't have a clue, who couldn't possibly know you, or your situation. I don't know how many times people in my life have said something similar to one of these phrases. My own mother said to me once when our wounds were still so very fresh; she said "We are all hurting, you need to remember that you are not the only one who is hurting here" (this is of coarse to the best of my memory) 
This made me so very angry and for one of the very few times as a teen, I yelled at my mother. " I know we are all hurting, but no one is hurting the way that I am hurting, no one knows what it feels like to be me." She didn't know me then and sadly she still doesn't today. I would learn years later, that she actually did know my pain, which made it all the harder to understand why she didn't know what I needed to feel better, to feel even a little bit whole after all I had been through.

Often when people don't know you, it is because you don't know yourself. And when you struggle to know you, you make it harder for them to see the you whom you really are. Some of us, then turn to anything and everything to try and find what were are looking for. To be able to look in the mirror and like what we see; to look in the mirror and be able to say  "I know you. I know your face" It is in the moments that we can do that, to recognize ourselves that others will recognize us too. That will allow them to see past the "I'm fine" and to instead ask what they can pray about for us, pray with us for that matter. My own children proved that they have learned this themselves, that they indeed know me, their mother.
Recently I had had an off day, an old ghost was heavy in my thoughts and I just couldn't shake it. I tried to put on face, to be OK, to do what needed to be done. (It was a happy time for crying out loud, I didn't need to be feeling sorry for myself) Within an hour of each other, with next to no interaction with me or each other - two of my kids asked me if I was OK. Weather it was my face or my body language that had betrayed me, they knew. They knew something was wrong, because they knew me, they knew my face.


I just heard the phrase "I know your face" tonight. I was having a good conversation with a dear friend and she mentioned it towards the end of our evening. She shared a moment from the movie it was from and we both agreed it means so much more than the obvious, its not just about knowing someones "face" per-say, but knowing them, about knowing their soul, truly knowing their inner most being. It's about knowing when something is wrong with that certain someone. And then its about understanding what your supposed to do about it. Prayers for wisdom to know such answers never come in the time or fashion we would hope for. But instead are hidden in the linings of conversations, packed away in a lost box that is not meant to be found until; well until its meant to be found. God is kind of funny that way. 
He knows our face, and each and every hair on our head.  


Jeremiah 1:5a  Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,


Psalm 139:13-14  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well.


He knows your face, He knows your inner most being, the depths of your very soul. Will you allow Him to not only know you, but to teach you to know you too?

The Power of Three

Once again, it is my pull to an old TV show that inspires me to write a new entry. Netflix is great, and over the coarse of the summer I found another show to begin re-watching; the show Charmed. In the beginning it was fun, catching up on episodes I missed the first time around, remembering things that I had forgotten about. But as I progressed, I remembered why it had been so long since I had seen much of the show. It wasn't just the fact that we have not had cable in years, but that somewhere along the way things began disturbing me (especially my sleep) and I abruptly stopped watching the show. Now here I am, years have passed, and once again I have done just that; stopped watching. Finding it quite significant that I am practically in the same spot where I stopped watching all those years ago. 


In the past I had rationalized that it was an OK show because it was about good and evil.  Yet, it is not just a show about good and evil, where primarily (at least thru the 4 -4 1/2 years that I watched it) good prevails. But it became a program where someone was pushing the envelope on the evil side of things, seeing just how creepy and demonic they could make the bad guys.  I did however, always like the idea of the three good 'witches' working together to protect and serve those in need, the innocents. I was a bit frustrated, even disturbed when one of those sisters was so easily replaced, so that the "Power of Three" could carry on and continue fulfilling their "destiny". It's a catchy phrase, the 'power of three', and as I have once again stopped watching and been directing my mind and thoughts towards other things, I am reminded of a much more powerful 'Three".


The Trinity defines God as three divine persons — Father, Son, and Holy Spirit — distinctly coexisting in unity as co-equal, co-eternal, and con-substantial, or of one being. 
We had a guest pastor this past Sunday at church and he taught from the book of Romans, including being separated "to" righteousness. He stated that through surrender we need to be dead to sin, married to Christ and to walk in the Spirit. As he spoke about this position of righteousness, as he called it;  I scribbled down the words "the power of three" on the side of the handout we had been given to go along with the sermon. 


Each one of us, as Christians who truly believe; contains a part of that 'power of three' within us, via the Holy Spirit. So with that given fact, we have the power and ability to protect and serve, to help the innocent. How many of us do that? Look within ourselves, for that said power. Then look outside ourselves and ask to be directed to those more needy than ourselves and make efforts to make a difference. To protect, to reach out, to lift up someone other than ourselves. Something other than what might be beneficial to us on a personal level. Random Acts of Kindness, Pay it Forward, those are both led of the Spirit, the power of three in action. 


As a single parent, I can not count how many times I have been the reciprocate of some sort of kindness or generosity. As in the past 15 years I have been surrounded by the body of Christ in one place or another and members of that body did (from their hearts) what the word (God breathed) instructs us to do, look after the fatherless, the widows, those in need. I am blessed because of those gifts, not for their monetary value, but for their heart value. Each time I was reached out to, I felt a part of, included, cared about; loved. Often these were friends, my church family who said "here, let us help you" More often than not, it was anonymous and only God Himself knows those who reached outside of their own, to help someone more in need than the reflection in the mirror.  These ordinary people who on a daily basis try to live His Word and "walk the walk" not just "talk the talk".


On occasion, I too have been able to reach out, give back, pay it forward myself. 
Those moments I treasure, and I look forward to the times in the future when I can do it more and more; giving back as it has been given to me.  Allowing the Spirit within me, my own power of three to guide me to the next person in need, the lost and hurting soul. When we feel that guiding, when we hear the wee small voice of God; knowing the truth of the Spirit, allowing it to be a part of us. We then have the power to defeat anything satan is allowed to throw our way. 


Evil is real, and unlike being able to stop watching a TV show because it disturbs me, I can not control the evil around me, let alone make it go away. I can however, with the power of God Himself, via the Holy Spirit, fight it. I can fight all of it; financial struggles, relationship difficulties, worry and depression. None of these 'demons' are bigger than my God, or the strength that He gives me, I am a part of the mightiest power of three.


I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.  
Philippians 4:13

quantum leaping

I love the show Quantum Leap. We just recently started watching it as a family on Netflix. It was always one of my faves. It is fun to share something I really enjoy with my kids and have them enjoy it too. As unrealistic as it truly is, wouldn't it be something, to be able to go back and relive some significant moment in our lives... and as Sam Beckett believed - right a wrong? Such a thing, is of coarse, not possible.  


I often remind myself that our lives are His story for us, already written as He intended it to be. Still there remain the moments where we might just want to change the hurt, the things that in particular make our hearts truly ache. The particular episode we were recently watching, AL was trying to repair, correct something in his past, mainly fix it so his heart would not be broken. Wouldn't that be just wonderful, to be able to eliminate a broken heart? To never have to feel that particular type of pain?


That episode made me think of my own moment in time, where I would maybe, just maybe want to go back and do things differently, avoiding the empty void my heart still holds today. It was the late fall, and once I had decided to come home to Nebraska, I had to stand firm with that choice. I couldn't falter, I couldn't back down, no matter what my heart would be telling me. On that dark and sad evening I would say good bye to the one person who still holds an important part of me. Sometimes I look back and wonder, why didn't I hold on to him instead of allowing myself to just let go. Why I didn't I try harder to live the words I had spoken; fighting harder through the sickness and standing with him through the worse? Why couldn't I be strong enough to do that, strong enough to save him, to save me, for that matter to save us all?


I remember watching him that evening, as he walked away, head down, broken and defeated; alone.  Why in that moment didn't I turn to Him and ask for help, for strength to help repair the damage that had occurred to us.  To heal the sickness, to get us through the worse. When I think of this moment and as the tears still fall, I am reminded that it did take strength to do what I did, to NOT hang on, for myself to walk away alone, sacred and unsure of what lie ahead of us. To let go of all that I knew and step into the unknown in order to protect my children. Protect them from a life that could have easily put them in danger. To merely deal with holding together their fragile and broken hearts, and discovering the Heavenly Father that was there for us all. 


I did continue to have that strength, and I was able to open my heart to HIS love for me and my children. To be loved and included into a family that was not mine by origin, but mine by His guidance of where He placed me. To learn more about love and kindness and in time to heal. 


So no,  I didn't get to leap back in time to right my wrong; because it wasn't a wrong. It was just that moment of my life.  A moment I was meant to go through, as difficult as it was; as heartbreaking... because it was already written, already planned by the Author of all things. 
Everything that God brings us to, He will bring us through.  I truly believe that. I hope that I show that I do, that my life is an open book (so to speak) of what He has written for me to live and to be. That as I share my heart, my hurts; people will also see the healing that has occurred. That it will be evident that my healing came from one place an one place alone.


I have shared often with people how my life has not been easy, but that I would not change a thing, because it is all a part of who I am today. My hurts make me stronger, and often more appreciative of the small miracles that occasionally occur in my life. Would I wish an easier life for my children, absolutely. Do I know that they understand and trust that God truly does provide, with out a doubt. So I guess the only leaping I want to do is into the arms of our Lord when He comes to take us home. Until then, I will just try to keep doing right, right here in this place and time.