With His Help, I Can Cope

SIT QUIETLY WITH ME, letting my fears and worries bubble up to the surface of your consciousness. There, in the Light of My Presence  the bubbles pop and disappear. However, some fears surface over and over again, especially fear of teh future. You tend to project yourself mentally into the next day, week, month, your decade; and you visualize yourself coping badly in those times. What you are seeing is a false image, because it doesn't include Me. Those gloomy times that you imagine will not come to pass, since My Presence will be with you at all times.

When a future-oriented worry assails you, capture it and disarm it by suffusing the Light of My Presence into the mental image. Say to yourself, "Jesus will be with me then and there. With His help, I can cope!" Then, come home to the present moment, where you can enjoy Peace in My Presence.  ~Jesus Calling (Nov 9)

Luke 12:22-26, Deuteronomy 31:6, 2 Corinthians 10:5

It's hard to not think about the future. And if you are used to hard times, perhaps bad habits from before you truly knew the Lord, looking forward to the future is filled with continued darkness and hard times. But as this says; all those images are false, they are not what will be, for today, tomorrow and always we will be in the company of our loving Lord. He is not saying hard times won't come, that bad things will miss us because we are His. He is saying that we will get through, He will help us get through by giving us the needed strength, wrapping us in His Comfort, protecting us from the strongest blows. He is always going to be beside us, often carrying us when we are just unable to take another step. There have been many times that someone has said to me, "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't do what you do." I smile, most often look up to the heavens and say "God, I would not be able to get through any of this without Him."

I asked Christ into my life when I was 11, and it was just that I understood what he did (for the most part) and I certainly needed a "friend" so I prayed with a counselor at camp and immediately felt a difference, some simple form of hope filled me, giving me momentary strength and courage to go through a given day.  A year later the enemy decided to wreck havoc on my life and I became fearful and unbelieving. How could a God who is loving and there for me, allow the terrible things that were happening in my life. I prayed, I begged God to change the circumstances but it didn't happen. Not quite a decade later, I just walked away. I was broken from years of abuse and I believed the lies of the enemy, and gave up on this "loving God" that had been shared with me those years ago. I made bad choices, terrible choices with my life. I endangered my life with many of those choices. But I am here to tell you that when you accept the truth of who Christ is, what He did for you on that cross. He becomes a part of your life, His Spirit a part of your soul; He isn't gone, no matter how far away you try to get, how much you push away. He is there, watching over you, protecting you; waiting for you, to choose to come home.

I did finally make that choice, I remembered who He was, is and will always be. I understood that He was protecting me all those years ago, for it could have been so much worse. Even when I was living a life so far from Him and making terribly unsafe choices, He continued to watch over me, this rebel child; a true prodigal daughter if you will. Then when I had had enough of Satan's lies, and headed back towards Him,  He opened His arms to me and welcomed me home. I was overwhelmed those first few months, I had done so many horrible things,yet I was being told and understood that He loved me, that He forgave me of each and everything.

Don't give up, don't be angry when life is harder or doesn't seem to be going your way. Trust and have faith that He is right there with you, this moment is just that, a moment; don't forget in trusting your life to Him, You have all eternity to look forward to. Lord forgive our human minds and thank you for loving us and taking care of us, always. Amen

The Love and Light, Peace and Joy of His Presence

I Am The Eternal I Am; I always have been, and I always will be.  In My Presence you experience Love and Light, Peace and Joy.  I am intimately involved in all your moments, and I am training you to be aware of Me at all times.  Your assignment is to collaborate with Me in this training process.

I have taken up residence within you; I am central in your innermost being.  Your mind goes off in tangents from its holy Center, time after time.  Do not be alarmed by your inability to remain focused on Me.  Simply bring your thoughts gently back to Me each time they wander.  The quickest way to redirect your mind to me is to whisper My Name. ~ Jesus Calling (Aug 25)

Exodus 3:14, 1 Corinthians 3:16, Psalm 25:14-15

As Christians we all know that Christ lives within us. How comforting for that reminder in the midst of struggles that we might be experiencing. To be reminded that He knows what those struggles are, that He knows what we want for an outcome in every situation. More importantly to be reminded that He knows what that outcome, His outcome is to be in each and every thing.

Its been a rough patch again these past couple months, a lot going on that was out of my control. Most of it I was able to let go of, at least I thought I was, and go forward through each day. However... I soon realized that maybe I wasn't giving up as much control that I thought. God made us in His image and created us to think, choose and allows us to be human. Human, being human is what gets me every time! Weather it be my mothering heart, concerned for my children or just everyday concerns like finances or making time to do what needs to be done. I often fail at making good choices, or the right choices at a given moment. It is sometimes easier to just sit and do nothing. Now when you sit and do nothing and take that time to connect with our Savior, then that's pretty good use of your time. That has not been me, not until recently that is. Instead I was taking those quiet moments to just stop, stop and do nothing and then the results of nothing began to rear it's ugly head.

As I force (in the beginning I needed to) myself into that quiet time with God, instead of lazy time for me. I am finding myself coming back into a frame of mind that is lifted up with a quiet strength that I have only ever found in His presence, given by His Spirit. It keeps me afloat, keeps me moving forward and I have been awakened again. Its comforting to know how forgiving God is, even with repeat offences. I have so much I want to do, so much I need to do. I am just thankful that if I allow myself to stay connected to Him, to the guiding and teaching He places in my innermost thoughts, that I will know what to do first, what might need to wait and most importantly what doesn't need to be done at all.

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me in my continued imperfection.When I forget that You and You alone are in control, Gently guide me back on course of the path already provided for me by You. The path that was written before I take a step, or even speak a word. Thank you for being the great I AM, for Moses, for myself and all those before and in between. Thank you for continuing to love us and for lifting us up in our trials that those who do not know you might see. Might see YOU in us, the light that shines through us when we allow it to. Then perhaps in seeing You, they might come to know You and have You be the guiding presence in their own lives too. I pray for the hurting, You know who they are. I ask that You give them comfort and grace, and strength to meet what they are facing, allow them to feel Your Presence and be reminded that they are not alone. Amen.

When Sacrifice Means Letting Go, Not Giving Up

I can't recall when I actually started participating in the observation of Lent, and to be honest I don't believe that I was actually active in any church at the time. But somewhere along the road I did, and I shared the activity with my children. But as the years have passed, it gets harder to find something that is truly a sacrifice to give up or you just end up repeating what you have done a year or two before and it just really doesn't have the same meaning. Especially when I did get involved in a church, and did truly understand the true sacrifice Jesus Christ paid for me. It was then that giving up coffee, chocolate or even Facebook just didn't seem as worthy. Please don't think that I believe doing any of these things is unworthy, I just am feeling led in a new direction. And until just last year, I did each of these things I have mentioned, and I am hopeful that God smiled down on my attempts. However, it has been the past couple years where I have changed my focus and am following a new approach to this time of year. 

I started trying to give more of my time to the Lord, for example; by reading more of His word. Spending real time attempting to study and understand this wonderful letter of love He has given to us.  I also wanted to be giving more of my time and making efforts to be truly kind to others, to go beyond the surface and perhaps look for someone who is in emotional or spiritual need. I didn't fail miserably last year, but I knew I could do better. This year I wanted and needed to do better, my heart was aching for change. 

It was just one day into the Lenten season when I wrote my last entry. What a change nearly 28 days has been and where God is leading my heart. This year is not so much the number of who's I might be able to reach out to but a singular who that I really need to be doing just that to, and more. I have often spoke of my dysfunctional upbringing and that left me with a lot of unwanted and ultimately damaged baggage. Some of that baggage can be left along the way, some of it is still necessary and you merely have to repair it and continue carrying it along life's path. Some relationships are just that sort of baggage. You can set them down and walk away at a moment when you feel it is the best thing to do, the healthy thing to do. And in most cases, that's where it all ends. You move forward a little lighter than before, experienced, but life goes on. I have recently discovered though, that I may have tried to discard one of those pieces that merely just needed/needs repair.

Please don't think I'm cold and heartless for calling a relationship, a person,  a piece of baggage. But I believe a tangible object is sometimes necessary when trying to understand certain types of relationships, and how they function (or sometimes, not function). There are a good number of people in my life I have had to walk away from,  just like leaving behind a piece of unwanted baggage or box of unwanted things. Most of those time, what was left behind needs to be just that, left behind. God gives us the strength to move forward and leads us to places where new relationships can be formed and sometimes those new relationships can ease the pain from the past, allowing the healing process to begin. On occasion you not only miss that familiar and tattered bag, but you realize it also contains something you need, perhaps you thought it was lost and then realized not at all, it's just back there in that place you walked away from. 

As I mentioned, I was the one who walked away, closed the door, severed the ties in the relationship with my mom. It was what I truly believed to be in the best interest of all involved at the time, and looking back I would still do the same thing. In that moment, it was the only sane and safe choice I knew how to make. It was the second hardest choice I have made to date, in my life. I am learning that even a choice made partially out of anger, but mostly from fear and uncertainty, can be changed. I have learned that time may not heal all wounds, but that God heals all hearts, if we let Him. I learned that life is too short to still be angry about things that can't be changed and most often occurred out of our personal control. I have learned, that there are moments in life, moments meant to be shared by everyone and we can't let ourselves be blinded by the ugliness of emotions that only the Evil one is responsible for placing in our line of sight.

I'm hoping that I didn't realize this all too late, that I didn't blow the chance to be able to duct tape the heck out of a bag that I helped to kick around, contributing to it arriving in the battered condition it is in. That my gestures are perceived as true and hopeful, perhaps even hope-filled. My wish would be that we can move forward, without looking back. Acknowledge things yes, but to not dwell on that beat up and battered bag that represents a handful of moments in time. To know that we still want to have it around, to repair it so that we can add new memories to store inside it. Possibly even replacing the ones that may have been missed. But knowing (and praising the fact) that God loves us just as we are, after all He made us; in His likeness for that matter. We can't be all that bad, even at our worse, especially if we truly know Him and believe in Him, and trust in what His Son did for us on the cross.

Sacrifice. True Sacrifice. Christ didn't give up. Yes, He did ask for a different path, a different cup. But then, He said, "Thy will, not mine" and then He let go, let go of this life on earth, and  in doing so, taking on all our pain and suffering; most often self inflicted by the sinful nature of who we are as mere humans. He just did, He bore our sins, the ultimate sacrifice. The spotless and perfect lamb, dying for us. Even His last words, "Father, forgive them". How do we deserve that, how do I deserve that? I hope that on that day when I meet Him face to face, I am not so overwhelmed by the glory of it all that I fail to say Thank You Lord, I didn't deserve it. Thank you for your sacrifice and forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me, guiding me to do the same, forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

A post Valentines thought...

Isn't it funny how one certain voice, or a simple sentence can turn a seemingly ordinary day, upside down?  Can take you from joyful to despair in mere seconds? I received a phone call last night that sent me into a just such a situation. After a quiet and somewhat uneventful Valentine's day, I couldn't imagine it ending on such a chaotic and heart-breaking note. Yet, it most certainly did.

Actually, there were two calls, the first coming earlier in the evening, but I didn't answer because It had been such a long time since I spoke with this person, that I didn't know where to expect the conversation to go. My youngest was still up and I didn't want to spoil her day or upset her. A phone call with this person can get quiet emotional and my scars are deep, not to mention there was a fresh wound I was still trying to heal. So I waited, and after I tucked my daughter in and we said our prayers, with some hesitation I called my mother back.

The call started simply enough with a thank you for my gesture. I had sent a New Years Card (LATE) (mind you this one along with three or four others got buried on the mass of papers on my table-top.) with wonderful pics of my family from this summer's wedding. I thought it would be a nice Valentines card as well. However, I was reminded that the wedding was months ago and they certainly would have liked to seen pictures sooner. I apologized, but really didn't know how to express the disappointment I felt because she and my stepfather had been invited the the wedding and that they had chosen not to come. My mother then shared with me a piece of unrelated and wonderful news, well, it should have been wonderful. However it was tainted with the fact that the original news had been omitted.

It was in this moment that my mother told me she was cancer free. Cancer Free!  And had been so for just over a year. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, the tears came uncontrollably because I was just now learning that my mom had cancer! Praise God, she was healed and healthy and doing well, but she had been diagnosed with cancer and this was the first moment she thought about giving me this information. I asked her, why she hadn't told me before. She said she knew I had a lot going on, with Carrie having been so ill and then the wedding, she didn't want to bother me with it. She explained that she had her first surgery just after the wedding, and in my head it made sense why they had not been there. I even said, so that makes sense why you didn't come to the wedding. I was quickly informed that that was not the reason, they felt they received the invite late, that they were an afterthought and that we really didn't want them there. Another crushing blow! I reminded her that Carrie had been ill, and that all the invites were sent later than planned. But that we sent it because we realized life is too short and that all of our family should be a part of this wonderful day. 

Keep in mind, this is a part of the dysfunctional family I grew up in. I also have to reveal that a little over two years ago, because of a volatile phone conversation, I severed all ties and stopped communicating with my mom, asking her to respect my wishes as our relationship was just too toxic and unhealthy, not only for myself but for my children as well.  And she did, she has sent cards at Christmas and birthdays (which we did not respond to, right or wrong), but she respected my wishes and things hurt a lot less because no one was disappointed by broken promises or wishful thinking. Old wounds began to heal, instead of salt being poured into them over and over again. Maybe I was being an overprotective mother, but I was not about to allow that old dysfunctional cycle to creep its way back into our existence. It was not going to happen. 

So for the next hour, through 3 mirrored conversations, we hashed and rehashed what has been going on between us. I tried to answer her questions, I don't know that she really truly heard me. I don't think anything was ever really answered, let alone resolved; a part of me doesn't know if it ever will. She thinks I blame her for all of our differences. I repeatedly told her I do not blame her, that I have made the choices I have made, both good and bad, on my own, for myself and my children. Without it being too hurtful, I tried to explain that most of often, our visits or time spent together are toxic, that I actually become physically ill after spending time together because it is generally spent arguing or pretending everything is OK. I grew up hiding my feelings, hiding all the ugliness and dysfunction. It made me ill then and it is something I will no longer do. I can't. So, for my health and sanity and that of my children, I have chosen the path I am on.  A path that separates us from what is more often than not. From what is not patient,  but is sometimes unkind, not humble, is often hopeless, and can be untruthful and not endearing. Instead that path is something that is only hurtful, angry, toxic and unforgiving.  

I know the God who breathed the words of 1 Corinthians 13 wants those words to be truth for the both of us, and that hopefully we can find the truth of those words, together. Verse 13 states: 
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

For me, I will cling to the hope and hold firm to my faith that God's love will indeed save us all. I pray for my family, for my distanced family. That we might find God's love, and the greatness of its power to heal all things, to bring peace and comfort to a place where it has never really been known. To have victory over the darkness that once was our lives. To shine like the Son.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

Breaking the Cycle - Out of the Darkness into His Light

I was talking with my oldest daughter this evening, she was writing a paper about drugs and alcohol and the behaviors that are often acted upon or associated with in such situations. She asked me a few questions about my own past, my abusive childhood, including the circumstances that most certainly led up to my own battle with addiction. I have to smile because as she would ask me a question, she would immediately say she was sorry and that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to, if it was too hard. I told her it was OK, that it didn't bother me any more, to talk about it that is. In fact I want to talk about it, whenever someone asks, because if I can tell my story and help someone, even just one person, then I have done the right thing. 

In recent years as I have watched my oldest children continue to move forward in their lives, and doing so in a good and positive manner. I am pleased to see them excelling at school, activities, and at life itself, I am blessed to know that with God, change has finally occurred. The cycle has been broken. Even before I trusted my daily life to God, the one thing I always told myself is that I would not raise my children in the manner in which I was raised, that I would give them different, and hopefully better. I am here to tell you that until I asked for God's daily guidance I was not doing a very good job of what I professed my parenting goal to be. But I can also tell you that I tried.

I understand now that it is hard to give better, when you don't believe you deserve better. My self worth was in the toilet and as I continued bad habits and a sometimes harmful lifestyle I was doing nothing but running around in circles; occasionally falling on my butt and at the worst of times into the darkness of some proverbial pit. I kept replaying the same old scenario over and over again like a broken record.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I lived in such insanity, you could even say I was it's queen. 

During all that craziness, I remembered God, but I had never understood that I could depend on Him, ask Him for help, guidance, comfort, any of that. The God I thought I knew let horrific things happen to me, He couldn't possibly care about me if He had allowed my life to have been what it was to that point. I would eventually learn and understand that He was there through it all, protecting me from much worse. He kept me alive, even though I thought I could never amount to anything, He had bigger plans for me. I often state when I share my testimony; my story, that I should have been dead on more than one occasion because of my reckless actions and behavior. Yet, here I am, alive and well and raising a family, on my own but with a strength I could not have ever imagined myself having. God is pretty awesome that way. Here I was, this angry, bitter woman, a single mom, who He still wanted to use for something bigger than myself.

My three oldest children were 5, 7 and 8 when I discovered I was pregnant with my youngest child. I cried, sat there in the doctors office and wept. I had no clue what I was going to do, I was barely able to raise the three children I had, how on earth was I going to raise four! This pregnancy had occurred due to what would be my last drinking binge, 4 days of "partying" that included a one night stand. I knew abortion was not an option for me, but I was so unsure. So I contemplated adoption, He had other plans. I started having some complications and ended up having to cut back at work which gave me more time at home, more time to think, and listen to the wee small voice of God.

As those of you who know me know, I have four beautiful children and can't imagine my life, our lives without my youngest daughter. It was still rough, but by this time God and I were finally on better terms and I started looking to Him more and more. Even though I wasn't actively drinking,I was a mess and what people in 12-Step circles call a "dry drunk". I was miserable and made everyone around me the same. I was still in nursing, and earned a supervisor position on the graveyard shift. My disrupted sleep pattern didn't help my mental state and I lived in a very dark place for a long time. I severely injured my back and fell into a deeper depression. God still had better plans for me.

On Jan 10, 2004 I walked into my first AA meeting, spoke those ever faithful words, "Hi, my name is Laurie and I am an alcoholic". That truly was the first day of the rest of my life. On that night, finally, my life started to change. I did more than the 90 meetings in 90 days that is recommended as I became intoxicated over how I felt when I was in those rooms. I finally found a place where I fit in, where I wasn't the outcast; somewhere I actually belonged. A place I could just be myself, no masks, no make believe. It's hard for me to remember if it was before or just after my 90 day mark, but I knew I needed more than what the meetings were doing for me, so I looked into treatment. I knew I couldn't bare the thought of being away from my kids for 30 days, let alone who would have cared for them. So I enrolled in an Out-Patient program that would end up lasting 15 months. It was through treatment and a counselor I almost asked to be replaced that I started healing. It was through treatment that I realized how much I needed God, wanted God and when I started making room for Him in my daily life.

It was also in those last couple months of treatment that God led me to my church family. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly express what so many of these people really mean to me. From the moment I walked in to their church with my four kids, they showed unconditional love. Through trials they supported and encouraged, and just loved me. Something I was not at all accustomed to. They invited me in, to be a part of something different, something bigger than anything I had ever been a part of before. They celebrated with me, cried with me and helped me to continue raising my children, always showing such Christ-like love and understanding. They gave me a place to fit in, to be involved. Today my family's schedule often revolves around activities at our church. 

All of my children have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that is truly one of the biggest accomplishments I want know as their parent. That I led them to Him, that I taught them, with the help of others, through God Himself; the seeds were not only planted but fed and watered and encouraged to grow. One of my most favorite things is when we are all in the van together and listening to Christian radio and we can all sing, I mean really SING together, just praising our Lord with song. Sometimes when we are in church it gives me goose bumps and often causes tears to swell up in my eyes, as I hear their voices really speaking the words that they know to be true. To see His light in each of my children by their actions and deeds, is another wonderful blessing.

So yes, the cycle has been broken. The pain is over, it has ended, it is finished. It is all of those things and more, because He took it from me, He bore my pain; both self-inflicted and not. He bore it all on the cross, all those years ago. And then He died and rose again that we might know peace, the kind of peace we will only find in eternity with Him. I used to read Job a lot, as I struggled and felt like God kept throwing all the crappy stuff my way. And I hope like Job, that even through the trials, even through the things that make me ask "What are you trying to teach me now Lord" that I never again loose faith. That I trust, that I believe just as it says in His word, "I can do all things".

Job 42:2  I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Narrow Path

I wrote this a few years ago, I was really struggling but I wanted God to know that I wasn't going to give up. I would trust, I would have faith. Because it was by this time He had really shown me what a loving and caring God He truly was. I couldn't go back to any of my old ways of being or thinking for that matter.

It sat in a notebook for a very long time and then somewhere along the way, it evolved from a poem to a song that I would just lift up to Him at times of trial and misunderstanding. I needed Him to hear my heart, so I gave Him this psalm, my gift of faith and trust to Him.

Two or three years ago, with the help of a very talented young woman, it finally had music to go with it. I still remember the first time she played the accompaniment, I was shocked, in utter disbelief! Even though I never knew what the music was supposed to sound like, when she played it; I knew it was what the music was supposed to sound like. It was perfect! We soon shared it one morning at church and it was such a wonderful feeling to lift praises to Him and share it with other believers, especially my very own church family.

Tonight, as the election winds to an end, and after seeing what seems to be inevitable - reading so many post on facebook about how its all over and we are basically (pardon me) screwed... I just felt a sense of sadness. A quiet sadness that I used to get and is a lot of what stirred me to write this poem, this psalm.

For those of us who are God fearing - know the end of the story, Christians; what's wrong with us?
Myself included, I can get caught up in all the ugly the next four years most likely will hold, but I would rather get caught up in what comes after that, or during it for that matter. I would rather set might eyes on what His Word tells me to be true, He knows the end of the story. He knew the outcome of this story before a single vote was cast. Remember, it is HIStory. He holds it all in His mighty hands. He holds us all in those same mighty, yet loving hands. I have faith and trust in that. I will praise Him for that, until He takes me home.



I will praise You in the morning,
As the sun reaches across the sky.
I will praise You in the evening,
As the stars fill that same sky.
I will praise You - down on my knees.
I will praise You standing tall.
You are King of Kings,
You are Lord of Lords,
You are Jesus, my One in All.

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made for me.

I will praise You in my sorrow time,
When darkness closes in.
I will praise You when I'm happy Lord,
Yes I will praise You with this song that I sing.
I will praise You till the end of time.
Yes, I will praise until eternity.
You are King of Kings,
You are Lord of Lords,
Here I am, have all of me.

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made for me.

The road may be long,
The path makes me weary,
But still I will stay.
Though I seem alone,
I know You are with me,
You are guiding my way

And you saved my soul, Oh Jesus.
You are the only way.
And you healed my heart, Oh Jesus.
And this is where I want to stay.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
Right beside You, on this narrow path.
That You made, for me.

16 Candles

The above title is oddly deceiving, because it actually represents what has not been seen. 

16 birthday cakes (times 3) 16 jack-o-lanterns (give or take) 16 Christmas trees. 
16 New Years Eves, staying up just late enough to utter those infamous words and bring in another new year that doesn't include you. More than 16 dozen valentines for a house filled with 3 little broken hearts. 
16 Easters and the only thing holding be together is that it didn't take God 16 days to raise His Son from the grave. 16 last days of school, followed by 16 summers of not camping because it hurts too much to be in that environment without you. 16 Fourth of Julys that I push myself through for my kids, because its still exciting and fun for them. It only reminds me of times with you that are no more, causing much more than 16 minutes of tears.

Now lets look at the smaller numbers.
3 talented athletes, with numerous achievements
3 talented musicians, again more accolades
1 Graduation, another on the horizon. And yet another to follow close behind.
1 Wedding, where you should have been the one at her side. 

And for nearly the first time in 16 years, I am angry at you. Truly angry, because your absence has caused so much silent anger and pain. So much turmoil, regret. Tonight I am once again reminded of 16 years of choices I have been  forced to make on my own, with more than 16 bad choices being made, I'm sure.  16 years of wondering why?

16,000 times I cried myself to sleep because I missed you so much my heart didn't just ache, it felt like it was closing in on itself and I could barley breathe. 16,000 times I wanted everything to just stop, all the noise, the pain, everything. 
16,001 times I found the strength to keep going, to move forward and live my life for and with my children. 16,001 times God remind me He is my husband, my lover and the Father of my children. 16,001 times I felt a sense of comfort I know is only found through Him and His Spirit being a part of me.

Im done counting candles for you, and I can't even stay angry for too long. All this - all 16 years of this, is a part of God's plan for me; already written and He knows where he is leading me, where He needs me to be, and He will take me there step by step. 

I have trust and faith in that.

Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me, were written in your book, before one of them came to be.