I started trying to give more of my time to the Lord, for example; by reading more of His word. Spending real time attempting to study and understand this wonderful letter of love He has given to us. I also wanted to be giving more of my time and making efforts to be truly kind to others, to go beyond the surface and perhaps look for someone who is in emotional or spiritual need. I didn't fail miserably last year, but I knew I could do better. This year I wanted and needed to do better, my heart was aching for change.
It was just one day into the Lenten season when I wrote my last entry. What a change nearly 28 days has been and where God is leading my heart. This year is not so much the number of who's I might be able to reach out to but a singular who that I really need to be doing just that to, and more. I have often spoke of my dysfunctional upbringing and that left me with a lot of unwanted and ultimately damaged baggage. Some of that baggage can be left along the way, some of it is still necessary and you merely have to repair it and continue carrying it along life's path. Some relationships are just that sort of baggage. You can set them down and walk away at a moment when you feel it is the best thing to do, the healthy thing to do. And in most cases, that's where it all ends. You move forward a little lighter than before, experienced, but life goes on. I have recently discovered though, that I may have tried to discard one of those pieces that merely just needed/needs repair.
Please don't think I'm cold and heartless for calling a relationship, a person, a piece of baggage. But I believe a tangible object is sometimes necessary when trying to understand certain types of relationships, and how they function (or sometimes, not function). There are a good number of people in my life I have had to walk away from, just like leaving behind a piece of unwanted baggage or box of unwanted things. Most of those time, what was left behind needs to be just that, left behind. God gives us the strength to move forward and leads us to places where new relationships can be formed and sometimes those new relationships can ease the pain from the past, allowing the healing process to begin. On occasion you not only miss that familiar and tattered bag, but you realize it also contains something you need, perhaps you thought it was lost and then realized not at all, it's just back there in that place you walked away from.
As I mentioned, I was the one who walked away, closed the door, severed the ties in the relationship with my mom. It was what I truly believed to be in the best interest of all involved at the time, and looking back I would still do the same thing. In that moment, it was the only sane and safe choice I knew how to make. It was the second hardest choice I have made to date, in my life. I am learning that even a choice made partially out of anger, but mostly from fear and uncertainty, can be changed. I have learned that time may not heal all wounds, but that God heals all hearts, if we let Him. I learned that life is too short to still be angry about things that can't be changed and most often occurred out of our personal control. I have learned, that there are moments in life, moments meant to be shared by everyone and we can't let ourselves be blinded by the ugliness of emotions that only the Evil one is responsible for placing in our line of sight.
I'm hoping that I didn't realize this all too late, that I didn't blow the chance to be able to duct tape the heck out of a bag that I helped to kick around, contributing to it arriving in the battered condition it is in. That my gestures are perceived as true and hopeful, perhaps even hope-filled. My wish would be that we can move forward, without looking back. Acknowledge things yes, but to not dwell on that beat up and battered bag that represents a handful of moments in time. To know that we still want to have it around, to repair it so that we can add new memories to store inside it. Possibly even replacing the ones that may have been missed. But knowing (and praising the fact) that God loves us just as we are, after all He made us; in His likeness for that matter. We can't be all that bad, even at our worse, especially if we truly know Him and believe in Him, and trust in what His Son did for us on the cross.
Sacrifice. True Sacrifice. Christ didn't give up. Yes, He did ask for a different path, a different cup. But then, He said, "Thy will, not mine" and then He let go, let go of this life on earth, and in doing so, taking on all our pain and suffering; most often self inflicted by the sinful nature of who we are as mere humans. He just did, He bore our sins, the ultimate sacrifice. The spotless and perfect lamb, dying for us. Even His last words, "Father, forgive them". How do we deserve that, how do I deserve that? I hope that on that day when I meet Him face to face, I am not so overwhelmed by the glory of it all that I fail to say Thank You Lord, I didn't deserve it. Thank you for your sacrifice and forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me, guiding me to do the same, forgive.
Ephesians 4:31-31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.
